About Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney, the legendary "60 Minutes" commentator, offers wry observations on everything from big business and politics to the frustrations of everyday life.

"The most felicitous non-fiction writer in television" is how Time magazine once described Andy Rooney, the CBS News correspondent, writer and producer, who has won the Writers Guild Award for Best Script of the Year six times, more than any other writer in the history of the medium.

Rooney wrote the first of what has become his specialty, the television essay in a personal format illuminating subjects most people take for granted in with "An Essay on Doors" in 1964.

The '60 Minutes' curmudgeon commentator who delivered his two minutes of comments every week at the end of the news program from 1978 to 2001, died on November 4, 2011 in a New York City hospital at the age of 92

The Best of Andy Rooney - Andy Rooney Classics

Humor, Commentary & Opinion by Andy Rooney

Let's Name the Lottery Losers

There's nothing more stimulating to the brain than getting mad. I'm easily angered and there are so many things in the world to get mad about that my brain is seldom at ease. Nothing so regularly angers me as much as stories about lottery winners

Snow Memories Warm the Heart

The experts who know about this sort of thing have been predicting terrible consequences for the Earth and all of us on it unless we do something to stop the warming of our planet

Diplomacy: Lying Politely

There are a hundred places in the world that need the help U.S. power and money can provide. But we have to ask, how much can we do and how much do we have the will to do? How effective would diplomacy be?

It Should Have Been Super

One regular ticket for the Super Bowl costs about $600. If someone offers you a ticket for $10, don't buy it if you want to see the game. In the stadium, the game is an afterthought. It's treated as though it was an intrusion on the mindless noise flowing endlessly from the stadium speakers

Hard Choices in Store

A trip to the supermarket is one of the pleasures of my Saturdays. It's satisfying to have worked all week to make enough money to be able to spend some of it on Saturday for things you see in a store

Sort Well-Aged from Old

Some things -- and people -- age well. Some things -- and people -- just get old

Silence is a Wonderful Sound

There are all kinds of sounds in nature that are better than noise. Some sounds are good or bad depending on where you are and what you're doing when you hear them

Politicians Have It Hard

It's good fun to criticize our politicians and we all do a lot of that. It's hard not to, but I often feel sorry for them

Time on My Mind

More as a matter of habit than plan, we divide our days, weeks and years into parts that don't make sense. It has always seemed wrong to me that we sleep for seven or eight hours out of every 24, but apparently the body needs it

Police Report

When the music and the news on radio begin to get repetitive and I want some friendly noise in my workshop, I turn on a shortwave scanner that picks up police, fire and aircraft frequencies

We're Doing Too Much Kissing

Joy Cartier from Honolulu has written me a good, sensible letter suggesting I write something about kissing. Joy seems to feel that kissing has gotten out of hand

Christmas: Fugeddaboutit!

Some days, it seems as though I have so much to do I can't get anything done. It happens a lot around Christmas

Try Some of Andy's Christmas Tidbits

Bells are ringing like mad and shoppers are flooding the stores, so I guess it's not too early anymore to talk about Christmas. Following are a few things you may not have known about Christmas, and several things you know but may like to be reminded of

Food for Holiday Thoughts

We all look for that perfect day when we have enough to do but not too much. There's a fine line and we usually cross it. At this time of year, most of us have so much to do that there isn't time to sit back and enjoy our holiday

Warning: Antiques are Addictive

It seems like there are more antique dealers than plumbers, and the supply of dealers far exceeds the dwindling number of antiques left for them to sell

Make Christmas More Like Christmas

While I'm thinking about it, this might be a good time to make some Christmas resolutions for future years. Here's my list

Is It Music or Noise?

Nothing divides one generation from another so definitely as its popular music. Those who grew up listening to the Beatles are either not interested in, or actively dislike, the sound of rap, hip-hop or heavy metal

Presidential Debates Reveal More About the Candidates and Less

Candidates are as trapped with who they are as the rest of us. They have only their own personalities, their own intelligence or lack of it, their own virtues and their own defects

Forget the Birthday Greetings

As we accumulate friends over the years and relatives proliferate, there become more special occasions in our lives than we can handle -- or even remember

An Appreciative Husband's Gratitude

Wives do a thousand little things for their husbands that they don't get credit for. Right here, I want to give credit where credit is due

Everything is Coming Up 'Awesome'

There's so much competition for our attention that everyone is using up all our good superlatives to get it

How I Almost Lost Two Pounds

Are you tired of being overweight? Does it make you mad at yourself because you're unable to control the amount of food you eat? If that's true, this is for you

Things I Love to Hate

I came across a column by Dick Burdette entitled, 'These are a few of my favorite things.' I don't want to steal his column or lose my image as a complainer so I'll go in the opposite direction

Warm Coats and Inaugural Memories

It's that time again, so I've collected a few facts about presidential inaugurations. Maybe you can surprise your friends with them

There's No Joy in Junking Your Christmas Tree

I don't know of any work I hate more than dismantling the Christmas tree. But I know my reluctance to untrim the tree is part sloth and part sentiment. It seems so sad that Christmas is over

A Homemade Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is uniquely American holiday, but it could use a little focus. We ought to do things that would remind us of the virtues we admire in the Pilgrim Fathers, not to mention, of course, the Pilgrim Mothers

The Junk Building Boom

I'm thinking how badly we need someone with absolute power in charge of controlling the buildings people erect. I'd not only want to control new construction; I'd also want the power to tear down some of the buildings already up

Vive La French Food

I feel about the French the way we all feel about difficult members of our family: They are infuriating but we love them anyway. Following are some notes I made -- mostly about French food

Home is Always The Best Place to Be

When I go into someone else's house, I'm always pleased that the owners don't know what I'm thinking. I come in the door, say hello and right away I start making changes

The Glories of Maturity

Except that you have more years ahead of you, youth isn't necessarily a better time of life than any other. School was harder than work ever has been

The White House? No Thank You

All the politicians and newspeople are already yakking endlessly about who will win the next presidential election. They never give us a break

Goodbye, Old Pal

It's too sad to talk about, but I'm going to talk to you about it. If I'd had a gun, the humane thing to do would have been to shoot it. I didn't have a gun, so I turned it over to a stranger

My Neighbor The Stranger

We don't really have one anymore. The days of going next door to borrow a cup of sugar are gone

Nothing Comes

Things don't come, we all know that

I Don't Want The Music to Stop

I HAD a birthday yesterday. There was nothing even vaguely celebratory about any part of the day. I hated it from beginning to end. The only thing worse would have been not having another birthday

Against Whistling

Whistlers are a little crazy. They're nice and I like them, but they're slightly batty. They don't have both oars in the water. They live in a world of their own

I Didn't Do It, But I'll Resign Anyway

Maybe we're being unreasonable when we expect our congressmen to be honest. We're asking too much. What do we expect of ordinary mortals, anyway, perfection?

'How Are You Paying For This?'

How many professional people do you know, in any field, who compliment the work done by anyone else?

Proud to Be Dumb

Considering how highly we prize an education, it's strange that we take so much satisfaction in our ignorance. We're always proudly proclaiming that we know nothing about something

Play First, Read Instructions Later

The directions that come with any new appliance or tool must all be written in one place in some remote foreign country because they all sound the same

Things Could Be Much Better, Or Maybe They'd Just Be Worse

There's still a lot of work to be done on the design of all the things we use in our everyday lives

Please Pass the Eponyms

It's fun to know more about the English language than is necessary to speak or write it. Eponyms, for example, are an interesting linguistic aberration

Parking Spaces are Another Endangered Species

A lot of people who know how to drive don't seem to know how to park

Gratuitous Noise is Irritating

There's a conspiracy against silence in the world. We seem to prefer a shout to a whisper

Make Christmas More Like Christmas

While we're thinking about it, this might be a good time to make some Christmas resolutions for the coming years. Here are some proposals

Great Place to Hang Around In

Most days, both old and new, are good. I like remembering familiar and pleasant old things, but it doesn't pay to spend much time thinking about them. You can probably guess what's coming. I'm going to talk about 'the good old days.'

A Movable Feast

These suggestions for Thanksgiving dinner are late, so put them in the freezer and save them for Christmas

You Don't Mind If I Sit, Do You?

This is my first column. What follows are some clues to my character. --I prefer sitting, but when I stand, I stand in size 8-1/2 EEE shoes. --When it comes to politics, I don't know whether I'm a Democrat or a Republican

It's Fun To Save All That Stuff

I love the idea of saving anything, but all the things I enjoy saving are as hard to know where to put as money. At the moment, I'm sitting in a workroom in the basement of my house. It's separated by a door from my shop, where my tools are

What's Right in America? A Great Deal!

Columnists make a living pointing out things that are wrong with America. There isn't much money in talking about the all the good things because it's dull. What are some of the things that are right with America? Let me count the ways

Don't Make a Wastebasket What It Isn't

Wastebaskets play an increasingly important part in our lives as the proliferation of paper threatens to bury us before we can throw it out, but a wastebasket is a strictly utilitarian object

More Towels, Sir? We Already Knew That

The headline caught my eye as I sat in my Orlando hotel room, futilely struggling to open the complimentary coffee packet: 'HOTEL STAFF 'READS' GUESTS' NEEDS'

My Interview With 'Dr. Death'

Dr. Jack Kevorkian died June 3 at a hospital in Michigan after suffering from kidney failure and pulmonary problems. He was 83. Kevorkian helped more than 130 people to die who were terminally ill and in pain. And as you may know, physician-assisted suicide is illegal in Michigan

The Urge to Eat

No number of articles detailing the kind or amount of food I should eat to lose weight will ever convince me that I'm not a person who's just naturally overweight

It Only Happens in the Movies

A lot of things happen in the movies that never happen to me

That's What You Think

There's something annoying about public opinion polls. The other thing that makes public opinion polls unreliable is the suggestion on the part of the organization taking the poll that we are all predictable

A Few of Life's Little Ironies

The following things are true, or so I believe

What's Right in America? A Great Deal!

Columnists make a living pointing out things that are wrong with America. What are some of the things that are right with America? Let me count the ways

Do Not Fret, Fat People, It's Not Your Fault

I'm only talking to overweight people today. The rest of you can move on to something else in the paper

A Perfect 10 is the Number of Our Dreams

The best colleges are faced with a dilemma every year: They need a lot of freshmen to pay for their buildings and teachers, but they have to keep the place hard to get into if they want good students

Why Do We Take Pride in Ignorance?

Considering how much we profess to admire education, it's funny how often we take pride in our ignorance

Everything is Coming Up 'Awesome'

There's so much competition for our attention that everyone is using up all our good superlatives to get it

That's Some Bad Hat, Harry

In light of everything terrifying happening in the world -- suicide bombers, Solyndra, drum circles, debates, etc. -- suddenly the idea of voluntarily viewing an old-school horror movie doesn't seem so daunting

You Don't Have to Buy Anything To Have Fun Shopping

The other day, one of those newspaper columns that gives advice gave some suggestions on how to stay within a budget when we're shopping. The suggestions were to shop alone, stick to a list and don't shop for food when we're hungry. The only part I accept is the advice to shop alone

We Must Create Time for Ourselves

There are too many events, too many movies and too much television. There are too many books to read. The newspaper keeps coming. There's no time to sit down and stare out the window without feeling you ought to be doing something

The Grammar Police Are At It Again

The grammar police are a large, unaffiliated group of readers, usually women, often retired schoolteachers, who pour over the newspaper every day searching for dumb mistakes -- like writers who say 'pour' when they mean 'pore'

People Ought to Sign Work They Do

Maybe signed work is the answer to getting better workmanship again. Everything that anyone makes should have his or her name on it for praise or blame and for reference

The Dream of An Incipient Snob

If I could have three wishes, I'd use one to wish for a valet. My standards of dress have deteriorated and I ought to do something before I become a real slob

They Don't Disagree and Never Fight or Borrow Money

Old friends may be the best friends, but new friends you don't know very well are good, too. New friends, by which I mean friends with whom you have no serious relationship, make life pleasant

Maintaining Cars and Bodies

My car and my body are in about the same shape. I don't know which is harder -- taking my body to the doctor or my car to the garage. It's surprising how many similarities suggest themselves in the treatment of our cars and our bodies

Who Says Autumn Anymore? It's Almost Fall

Summer dies hard. We try to keep it alive for just a little longer. We keep doing a few of the things we did on vacation, just as though it wasn't really over.

Just a Few Observations, and They're on the House

No matter what you call it, it's dull work. I've been home a lot lately and inevitably have been pressed into some housework. The following things are true about housework

Sinatra Had the Quality of Genius

Twenty-five years ago, I flew to Palm Springs with Walter Cronkite and Don Hewitt, the producer, to write an hour special about Frank Sinatra on the occasion of his 50th birthday. I got thinking about the experience on his 75th

We Must Create Time for Ourselves

Everything's crowding in on me. Please step back and give the man some air.

Some of Life's Unpleasant Tasks

I am undertaking the job of cataloging some of life's unpleasant little tasks in an effort to bring us all together. The following are hard jobs

Wake Me Up When You're Done Reading This

I want to tell you about something I do exceedingly well. If there were some way of ranking the people who do it in order of their proficiency at it, I believe I'd be near the top of the list

Repair Jobs Come in Bunches

It would be easier to fix things if something else didn't always break while you were fixing the first thing

Squeeze, Twist and Pull Just Doesn't Work

The tops of jars and bottles are too hard to take off. Stuff that comes packaged in plastic is too hard to open. How come companies are selling us stuff we can't get at?

50 Stories You'll Be Reading This Year

There's a theory in the news business that there are only so many stories. Here are 50 you can depend on reading

Too Much Bigness is No Small Matter

We may have gone far enough with bigger. The time may be at hand to start thinking small

We Need A Universal Language

Sometimes it's hard to decide what to think and write about. For instance, I might be able to make something out of the difference between the words 'some time' and 'sometime' and even 'sometimes'

My Summer Vacation On the Lake

I sometimes think vacations are harder to take than going to work. When you go to work, you know what you have to do, but you go on vacation to have fun and take a break from your everyday life. Good times are more apt to come unexpectedly rather than by design

Traveling? Include Me Out

Just for fun, I made a list of places I don't want to go to

Remembering the Cars of Yesteryear

The automobile industry always makes changes in its new models, but it isn't until 10 years later that you realize cars have gradually become different.

We All Need to Carve Out Some Down Time

Everything's crowding in on me. Please step back and give the man some air. It isn't just too many people; it's too many things to do, too many possessions, too much equipment designed to make life easier, too many wires leading to too many electric appliances, too many relationships to maintain

Why Do We Take Pride in Ignorance?

Considering how much we profess to admire education, it's funny how often we take pride in our ignorance

A Doctor a Day Keeps the Apples Away

Even though I know a lot of people die the day after their doctor says they're in good health, I'm always encouraged when my doctor says I'm doing fine. He lies a little to me but I like that in a doctor.

Picture This

Every once in a while, a newspaper or another publication of some kind will ask me for a picture of myself. I can never find one I want to send them. Why don't pictures of us ever look the way we think of ourselves as looking?

It's Time to Think About Vacation

These are the days when I enjoy my summer vacation the most. My month off doesn't begin until July but looking forward to it is the best part. Already I'm trying to figure out a way I can sneak off early

The Tools of My Trade

This morning, I was trying to think of something to write about and I started looking at all the tools I have on top of my desk or in the drawers. Since all I do for a living is write, how in the world did I get tied up with so many tools?

Why I Love My Job

The other day, I started making a list of famous people I knew during World War II. I was prompted to do this because of the 67th anniversary of D-Day. During the war, as a reporter for the Army newspaper, The Stars and Stripes, I often had occasion to interview Gen. Dwight Eisenhower. He was the first and one of the best famous people I ever knew

Some Philosophical Thoughts on Religion

On the day I write a column each week, my mind flits around looking for an idea that interests me and one I hope will interest you. I like football, the study of philosophy and anything about food. The subject of religion is of great interest to me, although I'm not religious.

Guess Who's Running For President in 2012?

I'd like to tell everyone reading my column today that you have about 530 days until the presidential election of 2012. So please make sure you use the time carefully. And, if you're thinking of running for the presidency, you must file a statement of candidacy with the Federal Election Commission using Form 2

Hand Me The Bread

While I don't have an exact number, I estimate from sort of counting them in the telephone book that there are about 24,000 restaurants in New York City. I've eaten in several hundred of them, and the good ones outnumber the fair or poor ones. The best restaurants go on and on and get better year after year; the bad ones don't last a year

A Memorial Day to Remember

There have only been a few times in my life when someone's death has been an occasion for rejoicing. The day Adolf Hitler died was a good day for the world, and a good day for me. The day Osama bin Laden died was another good day for the world. For someone my age, there are marked similarities between the deaths of Hitler and Bin Laden

What a Week for the World

There are stories in the newspaper every day that interest me and stories that don't. I'm not proud of myself for this; it's just true. The world was informed of the death of Osama bin Laden. I've read about Bin Laden often enough that I can now remember how to spell his name, and because of the monumental nature of this story I can barely get to the other stories in the papers

What Not to Wear

It isn't anything I want to think a lot about, but for some reason I woke up in the middle of last night and got wondering why men wear pants and women wear skirts. I guess I was thinking about clothing because of all the talk this week about what Kate was wearing when she married Prince William

Food For Thought

Food doesn't exactly rule our lives, but we spend an awful lot of time thinking about it, buying it, preparing it, eating it, and dreaming about it. Some food cravings have followed me all my life

I'm Really a Newspaperman At Heart

Every once in a while, it amuses me to check into the number of newspapers that run this column. The last time I looked, there were about 110 of them, and I like that a lot, but I'd be kidding myself if I thought everyone who reads those papers reads the column. It would be in the millions, and that would make me nervous

You Can Count on Me to Complain

If you've been reading my columns for the last 30 years, you know I earn my living by complaining and commenting on things that bother me. These days, there are quite a few situations that annoy me. Here's just a sampling

My Trip to the Cafeteria

I went to the cafeteria in my office building today to buy lunch. They don"t really call it a cafeteria, but "The Station Break Cafe." Clever, right? I call it a cafeteria and always will. Since I sometimes try to watch my weight, I thought I"d better have a salad because I"ve had two bowls of ice cream this week

A Pile of Magazines

This morning, I was looking through the magazines in my office hoping to find an idea for something to say on '60 Minutes' next week. Sometimes I get an idea from the publications and sometimes I don't.

Japanese Earthquake Brings Back Sad Memories

I thought I would write about Japan today because, like most people in the world, my heart goes out to all its citizens. The world hopes that the devastation caused by the earthquake and tsunami will subside.

It's Becoming Too Expensive to Fly

If the major airlines don't stop nickel-and-diming the public with all sorts of new fees and fare increases potential passengers may consider using other modes of transportation. Air travel has become quite an unpleasant experience for a number of reasons

The Headlines Don't Grab Me

I'm looking for the headlines I find interesting, as well as those that don't interest me. I'm always interested in any headlines about the television business. The headlines that don't interest me are usually those in the business section. They always seem confusing to me. For the last few days, I've been collecting examples of headlines I don't understand or that seem confusing. Here's part of my list

The Case for Good Food and Bread

Last night, I couldn't get to sleep, and looking for something easy to think about while I was lying there, I got thinking about food. I enjoy thinking about food because I enjoy eating.

Food For Thought

We often eat dinner at restaurants in New York, and while there are several we go to repeatedly, we tend to go to a lot of different places. As in most big cities around the country, there are always new restaurants opening up -- more than I could ever try.

Lessons Learned

Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City has asked state legislators to repeal a law mandating that the last teachers hired are the first to be fired. Bloomberg insists that hiring and firing should be based on performance, not longevity. Is there anyone but a bad teacher who would disagree?

Looking at America

My Winter 'To Do' or 'Not To Do' Lists

When I got home from work last night, I thought to myself that I should think of something to write about for my column this week. I decided to make a list of all the things I have to do in my house this weekend. Because it's been snowing, raining or hailing for the last six weeks, I have either postponed or delayed doing most of the things on my to do list

A Little Warm Weather Sounds Nice About Now

Winter began about a month ago, and I'm starting to think of traveling somewhere warm to escape the cold for a while. Of course, if I went someplace tropical, I'd probably be too hot

It's Snowing Again!

Nothing reduces the whole world to the same level like snow. We're getting heavy snow in the Northeast these days and I love it. The day I'm writing this column it's snowing heavily outside. I don't know why, but we call both a lot of rain and a lot of snow 'heavy,' even though snow is sometimes fluffy and doesn't seem heavy, like rain

The Great Driving Machine

The automobile industry in this country seems to be getting back on its feet. In my driving lifetime -- between age 18 and the present -- I've owned a Hupmobile, a Durant, three Chryslers, two Packards, three Fords, six Jeeps, a Lexus, a Saab, a BMW and countless other cars that I can't name because I don't remember

There's Power in the Wind

The best thing I've read in several years is a story that in the near future we're going to be able to get lots of power from wind turbines planted offshore instead of burning coal and oil. I hope this technology becomes more popular because we're in desperate need of cheap power, and neither coal nor oil is cheap

I Hereby Resolve

Christmas has passed and I assume we're all ready to stop goofing off and get back down to work. I was so busy over Christmas that I never did get at making any resolutions for the New Year, but they're ready now. I hereby resolve

A Christmas To Remember!

The holidays are over, so it's time for all of us to concentrate on work, now! New Year's Eve was great, and Christmas is always a lot of fun in the Rooney household.

My Best Christmas Presents

What are the best Christmas presents you ever got? I was trying to recall my favorites. My parents gave me a Buddy-L truck that was strong enough for me to sit on when I was 5 or 6, and I can still remember everything about that truck. That was certainly one of my best presents ever

Transportation Wonders of the World

The inventions of mankind are amazing. There's no reason to be modest about what we've accomplished, especially in the field of transportation.

For the Love of the English Language

For most of my adult life I've made my living writing the English language. It's the one of the biggest and most diverse languages in the world, and I love it. I think it's the best language, but what do I know?

I Prefer My Preferences

Not many of us would admit it, but our preferences save us a great deal of time in our lives. We already know what we think about almost everything and we don't have to think it through again every time the subject comes up

What Do You Do With a Gift-Shop Gift?

If it came from a gift shop, please don't give it to me. There's a whole category of things that I don't want for Christmas and most of them come from gift shops

Some Thoughts On Money

I earn a lot more money now but it isn't as satisfying. I've never gotten over feeling rich if I have money in my pocket, but I don't carry what I did before I had much. Most of the money I used to carry was change, and it was heavier than bills. I think a single penny weighs more than a $100 bill

Life and Religion

There are something like 335,000 Christian churches in the United States, but I don't think many of these houses of worship are more than one quarter full on the days there are services. On Sundays, I think many of the parishioners would like to get home in time for the start of the football game

The Sporting Life

If you stop and think of all the things we've invented, you have to be pretty impressed with the human race. I'm not thinking now of the big things like airplanes or cars, for example, but even unimportant things -- sports like football, basketball and baseball

Familiar Names of People and Places

There are names of people and places that everyone is familiar with, and most of them have something special about them. It's unfair, I suppose, but the name sometimes affects our attitude toward a place or a person

A Master Mess Maker

Bragging is boring and rude, I know that, but I can't keep myself from saying that there's one thing I do better than almost anyone. I make a mess of things

There Are So Many Problems in the World

When I sit down to write a column, I often look through the newspaper, hoping to find an idea. It's tough sledding sometimes. I'm always amazed by how little I know about the world. I'm not proud to write this, but at least I'm honest. There's a lot to read about in the world and not enough time in the day for me to do that.

What's News to You is News to Me

I'm looking through the copies of this week's New York Times piled in my office and checking off which stories I read and which I didn't. The 'didn'ts' outnumber the 'dids' three to one. If I read The Times from cover to cover, it would be afternoon by the time I was done. With time out for the day's activities, tomorrow's paper would have come before I finished today's

Familiar Names of People and Places

There are names of people and places that everyone is familiar with, and most of them have something special about them. We don't confuse them with anyone else. Their names are distinctive.

So Many Things, So Little Space

It seems as though the rooms we live in are getting smaller, with fewer places to store things, and the things we have to store are getting bigger and more numerous

Meaningful Numbers in My Life

I've read a lot of newspaper articles recently about inflation and deflation in this country and around the world. Then, for some reason, I woke up in the middle of the night and started thinking about how much things cost and all the numbers in my life that were so meaningful at one time

I Have Been Known to Save Things

I save things. I have clothes I haven't worn in years that are too good to throw away. I'm a woodworker and I have good wood boards out of which to make things that I never make anything out of. I just like to look at the wood. Since the 1930s, I've collected typewriters. I must have at least 20 typewriters in my office and in my home

Writing and Ditch Digging

When I sit down at my computer with a blank page on the screen, I often feel like going back to bed. Sometimes nothing comes to mind to write about. If you're a ditch-digger, you dig ditches whether you feel like it or not, and if you're a columnist you write a column whether you feel like it or not

The President's Residence

It doesn't make much sense but we've named a lot of the most important buildings around the world after their shape or appearance. Calling something 'white' doesn't mean much, but add the word 'house' and you've got what may be the most important building in the world: the White House.

Slow Train to Albany

The train ride from New York to Albany took three hours 50 years ago. Yesterday, with the miracles of computerized signal systems, a combination diesel-electric locomotive and millions of dollars worth of track improvements, it took me three hours and 28 minutes on an Amtrak train.

Things Not to Do Today

I started worrying about how much I had to do and how little of it I got done the previous day. It was at this moment that I had the thought that may change my life. I realized successful people are not any better than I am at doing things; they're better at not doing things I waste time doing.

Is There a Doctor Near My House?

Several years ago, I had a frank talk with my doctor. He's 10 years younger than I am, and I told him that there were things I expected of him, and one of those things was that I expected him to outlive me. I had no interest in breaking in new medical help

Desire is a Terrible Disease

I've had true love and a change of weather, but I've yearned for many more things over the years. Some I've had, some I haven't. Desire can drive you crazy and, more often than not, it makes no sense. The trick to happiness is adjusting your desire to the realities of your life, and that's hard. If you can't have what you want, it makes sense to want less

Things That Are True II

The following is a list of things I think are true

A Collection of Random Thoughts

When they're on vacation, columnists look for easy columns to write: Here are a few random thoughts and observations

Up In Smoke

There are two stories in the paper that make me mad. The first says American billionaires ought to donate half of everything they make to charity. Frankly, the capitalist system we have works best for the most people. The second story I don't agree with says the tax on a pack of cigarettes is going up $1.60.

Watching My Watch My Way

I wear my wristwatch with the face on the under side of my wrist because I like it that way. I find it easier to see and I'm used to it. A friend gave me the watch about 20 years ago. It still keeps perfect time and I have no intention of getting a new one. Wearing my watch under my wrist may be an affectation but it's my affectation and I like it.

The Tools of My Trade

"The tools of the trade" is a common phrase, and I've been looking around my office at the tools I use in my trade, writing.

Some Thoughts on Saving and Spending

Some people are good at throwing things away, but I save things. Saving things doesn't make sense because you hardly ever use what you save, but I can't help myself. I keep everything.

On the Job

There's a story in the newspaper that says a lot of people in Athens, Greece, are retiring when they're 50 years old, contributing to a massive debt crisis. The Greek government has determined that if you have a certain job which could have deleterious effects on your health, you have the right to retire at 50 with your full pension.

Money Makes People Jittery

My newspaper this morning has a headline that reads: INVESTORS GET JITTERY ON A GLOBAL SCALE. Really? I'm an investor. Small time, I suppose, but I'm not jittery. To tell you the truth, I read the sports pages and the Page One news each morning before I read what happened to my stocks and bonds and the news on Wall Street

How Times Have Changed

No one is honest with us about time. For an example, when an airline tells you how long a flight will be they should be made to count the minutes and hours from the time they say you have to be at the airport, to the time the plane lands and you go into the terminal.

I've Been Thinking About Women in Government

President Obama named Elena Kagan the new Supreme Court nominee. It's taken a long time, but the reluctance to appointing women to high government offices seems to be a thing of the past. It's my opinion -- which I reveal reluctantly -- that there are things men do better than women and things women do better than men. However, I don't think there's any difference when it comes to judges

Charity is Never Easy

If you have your health, some happiness, a job, a place to live and some money in the bank, you don't need help. At least twice a week, I feel guilty as I drop some letter asking for a contribution into the little wicker wastebasket next to my chair.

Bits and Pieces in My Mind

The Weather Brings Back Pleasant Memories

The warmer weather we have now is more bearable than it used to be because of the things we've invented. Our houses have been heated one way or another for centuries, but air conditioning is a relatively recent invention. I don't know why it's not called "cooling" instead of "conditioning," but there may never have been an invention better than air conditioning.

Before You Ask for the Key to a City...

It's kind of nice that most Americans who live in a city are proud of it. They like their city and they want the rest of the world to like it, too. New York is the only exception.

View on the News (04/2010)

I hope you won't think I'm being falsely modest when I tell you that I think I have average intelligence. Sometimes when I read the newspaper, I worry about myself -- specifically about my brain. If I have average intelligence, why is there so much in the paper every day that confuses me? I looked at some stories in the newspaper to make my point.

Andy Rooney Classics - The Best of Andy Rooney

 

 

Humor & Satire

 

 

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS ...

WORLD | AFRICA | ASIA | EUROPE | LATIN AMERICA | MIDDLE EAST | UNITED STATES | ECONOMICS | EDUCATION | ENVIRONMENT | FOREIGN POLICY | POLITICS

 

Humor & Satire

 

Humor & Funny Stories - The Best of Andy Rooney - Andy Rooney Classics

Article: Copyright © iHaveNet.com