The Best of Andy Rooney

There are maybe 25,000 to 30,000 words in the average daily New York Times. I like The Times and don't feel up on what's going on in the world until I've read it.

I'm looking through the copies of this week's New York Times piled in my office and checking off which stories I read and which I didn't. The "didn'ts" outnumber the "dids" three to one. If I read The Times from cover to cover, it would be afternoon by the time I was done. With time out for the day's activities, tomorrow's paper would have come before I finished today's.

Here are the headlines on some of the stories I was interested in:

"OBAMA'S CHIEF FOR ECONOMICS IS SET TO LEAVE"

Well, it's too bad I guess, but I didn't know much about the President's "chief for economics," why he needed one, or what the guy did. I'm also unmoved by the fact that he's leaving and going back to Massachusetts. I didn't read much of the story past the headline.

"LOOKING FOR SOMETHING WHEN LIFE SIGNIFIES NOTHING"

This must be an important story. Maybe I'll read it some day when I'm looking for something.

"CANTORS TRY TO HEAL RIFT THROUGH SONG"

Other than remembering Eddie Cantor when I was young, I don't know much about cantors. They're good people and I'm glad they're trying to heal a rift.

"LIQUID NITROGEN AND THE THIRTY-HOUR CHEESEBURGER"

I like cheeseburgers and have no intention of spoiling what I think of them by reading a story that links them to liquid nitrogen. They don't taste like liquid nitrogen. I wonder what liquid nitrogen tastes like.

"STATEHOUSE GAINS COULD GIVE GOP EDGE ON REDISTRICTING"

I'll have to look up the origin of the nickname GOP (Grand Old Party) and how it got to mean "Republican." I also don't know what they mean by "redistricting." How come the Democrats don't have a nickname? Maybe Democrats should call themselves the "GNP" -- the Grand New Party. People are proud to say they're Democrats or Republicans. I'm proud to say that I'm neither.

"POLITICAL TIES SHIELD BANK IN AFGHANISTAN"

I'm sure this is an important story, but I'm not interested in political ties or banks. Afghanistan, I'm interested in.

"NEW CALL FOR BOYCOTT OF ELECTIONS IN EGYPT"

If everyone in Egypt boycotts their election, will things be better there? I don't think so. I wish I was more interested in Egypt's politics, but I'm not.

"FRENCH STRIKE ADDS TO SARKOZY'S TROUBLES"

Everything that ever happens in France adds to their troubles. I don't know why France always seems to be dealing with some sort of strike. The one thing going for the French is that they cook better than anyone else in the world. Their politics may be all screwed up in France, but when the French go home at night, everyone has a good dinner and a bottle of wine. So it's not all bad.

I don't think Americans know it, but we're not as well-informed about what's going on in the rest of the world as we once were. I know I haven't enlightened you with my insights.

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