The Best of Andy Rooney
(This classic Andy Rooney column was originally published Jan. 31, 2004.)
Rummaging through a box of odd bits and pieces of paper I've saved, I came across a column by Dick Burdette in a yellowing old clipping from a newspaper. The column is headlined, "These are a few of my favorite things." I don't want to steal his column or lose my image as a complainer so I'll go in the other direction.
Here are a few of my least favorite things:
The customer in front of me in the "under 10 items" line at the checkout counter in the supermarket who pays with a check and takes five minutes to do it.
The trash or garbage collector who leaves more than he takes.
The waiter who keeps filling your glass with water you don't need but disappears when you want something.
When you're browsing in a clothing store, the sales clerk who hangs over you asking if he can help, as though you were too bashful to ask about buying something.
Clever messages on telephone answering machines.
Junk mail that regularly exceeds mail of any value or interest.
The newspaper story "continued on Page 27" just when it gets interesting. If it's continued in the second section, Margie has that.
The driver who takes up two spaces when he parks.
Hitting the "caps lock" key on the computer by mistake when I'm typing and not looking at the screen until I've typed two lines in capital letters.
Fitting two cars in a two-car garage that's only big enough for one by the time you put your junk in there.
Car doors that lock automatically.
Packages I can't get into without a jackhammer or tops I can't remove without a crowbar.
Politicians of the opposite party who respond to the President's State of the Union speech. It doesn't matter which party. Opposition responses are always bad.
Margarine, skim milk and Diet Coke. I'd rather do without butter, milk or Coke than eat or drink a substitute.
My birthday. The last one I enjoyed was when I was 8.
Sticky windows that are hard to open.
A melon that was expensive but nowhere near ripe.
Subscription forms and advertising fliers folded into newspapers and magazines.
Books that won't stay folded open when you lay them flat. (I also dislike the confusion among lay, laid, lain, lie and lied.)
The Super Bowl halftime show.
Almost all television, with the exception of news, sports, documentaries and a few comedy shows. I don't have a preference between Jay Leno and David Letterman because I don't stay up to watch either.
Impossible books with dedication pages by the author that say, "To my wife, Charlotte, without whose help this book would not have been possible."
The American flag worn as an ornament in a man's buttonhole.
Having to write a column when I'm going to the Super Bowl the next day.
- A Smashing Time That Was Good for Some
- Boy, Do We Like to Watch
- Please Don't Feed the Twins
- Parenting: Don't Think. It Can Only Hurt the Team
- Regrets. People Should Have a Few
- What I'll Miss About Bachelorhood
- Get That Nut Away From My Child!
- For the Love of the English Language
- It's Time to Win One for the Zipper
- Does Whatever a Lousy Title Can
- I Prefer My Preferences
- What Do You Do With a Gift Shop Gift
- Life and Religion
- The Action Pile
- Why I Hate Myself for Going to Starbucks
- Kicking the Bucket List
- The War of the Sandwiches
- In Praise of the Common Cold
- Nobody Wants a Bummer Ending
- The Anti-Social Network
- I Have Been Known to Save Things
- I'm King of the Burger!
- My Kids Have Weird Names, Too
- Get Off My Lawn
- Money for Nothing
- 50 Ways to Beat the Heat
- Things Not to Do Today
- Desire is a Terrible Disease
- Home, Sweet, Wet Home
- Bed-Buggin' Out
- I Want to Like Soccer
- New Jersey is the New Black
- I'm Not Looking Forward to 40
- Charity is Never Easy
- Is There an App for That?
- Paying Taxes is a Blast!
Humor & Funny Stories - Things I Love to Hate | Andy Rooney
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