by Andy Rooney
As you may have read, I read the newspaper every day and I think of myself as someone who knows what's going on in the world, but who am I kidding?
Just look at some of the headlines and decide for yourself whether either you or the newspaper know what they're talking about.
I read a New York paper, but you'd find these stories in any paper in the country:
UNITED MILITANTS THREATEN PAKISTAN'S POPULOUS HEART
Really? You could have fooled me.
I didn't even know Pakistan had a populous heart, let alone that it was threatened by "United Militants." In trying to figure it out, I got wondering whether there are any "Un-united Militants." In my opinion, they're the worst kind.
U.S. IS PLANNING TO REVEAL HEALTH OF TOP 19 BANKS
Why "the top 19"? They don't say how they decided on 19 instead of 17 or 21.
I don't worry about it anyway because I don't think the money I have in any bank is going to make or break it. I don't think they notice my money, to tell you the truth. I get a statement from the bank every month but if they were stealing, I wouldn't know about it.
We ought to be able to actually go into the bank and look at our money once in a while.
"BANK VET PEGGED TO RUN BAILOUT," another headline reads.
A "bank vet"? I don't think I want "a bank vet" who's been "pegged" to run anything for me. I think the word should have been "picked." "Pegged" isn't exactly the word I would have used.
KUWAIT'S DEMOCRACY FACES TURBULENCE
Well, of course Kuwait's democracy faces turbulence. Has there ever been a new democracy in the whole history of the world that didn't? Give us some news, for goodness sake.
Another big story I read said the median salaries and bonuses for the chief executives of 200 big U.S. companies fell 8.5 percent to a mere $2.24 million last year.
I'm expecting my phone to ring. It'll be one of those executives asking me for help. Could you scrape along for a year on $2.24 million? Maybe you'd have to start going without lunch.
I make good money now, but I can't forget what it used to be like. I worked at a paper mill one summer when I was in college and I was paid $20 for a 40-hour week. That was 50 cents an hour.
Keep in mind; I was happy to get it. Some of the men who'd worked at the mill for several years made twice that much but they were supporting a family.
Last week, I wasn't feeling well one day and I fell asleep on the couch in my office for what would have cost me a week's pay when I started working. I kept the telephone on the floor near me so if I picked it up the person calling me might have thought I was at my desk.
I don't know how the time would be worked out, but people ought to be able to sleep a little at work. No one is smart for eight straight hours. Studies have shown that a 10-minute nap helps recharge your brain. Well, I hope it helped me.
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