by Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney, Andy Rooney CBS 60 Minutes, Andy Rooney writer humorist television personality

As you may have read, I read the newspaper every day and I think of myself as someone who knows what's going on in the world, but who am I kidding?

Just look at some of the headlines and decide for yourself whether either you or the newspaper know what they're talking about.

I read a New York paper, but you'd find these stories in any paper in the country:


Really? You could have fooled me.

I didn't even know Pakistan had a populous heart, let alone that it was threatened by "United Militants." In trying to figure it out, I got wondering whether there are any "Un-united Militants." In my opinion, they're the worst kind.

Another headline:


Why "the top 19"? They don't say how they decided on 19 instead of 17 or 21.

I don't worry about it anyway because I don't think the money I have in any bank is going to make or break it. I don't think they notice my money, to tell you the truth. I get a statement from the bank every month but if they were stealing, I wouldn't know about it.

We ought to be able to actually go into the bank and look at our money once in a while.

"BANK VET PEGGED TO RUN BAILOUT," another headline reads.

A "bank vet"? I don't think I want "a bank vet" who's been "pegged" to run anything for me. I think the word should have been "picked." "Pegged" isn't exactly the word I would have used.


Well, of course Kuwait's democracy faces turbulence. Has there ever been a new democracy in the whole history of the world that didn't? Give us some news, for goodness sake.

Another big story I read said the median salaries and bonuses for the chief executives of 200 big U.S. companies fell 8.5 percent to a mere $2.24 million last year.

I'm expecting my phone to ring. It'll be one of those executives asking me for help. Could you scrape along for a year on $2.24 million? Maybe you'd have to start going without lunch.

I make good money now, but I can't forget what it used to be like. I worked at a paper mill one summer when I was in college and I was paid $20 for a 40-hour week. That was 50 cents an hour.

Keep in mind; I was happy to get it. Some of the men who'd worked at the mill for several years made twice that much but they were supporting a family.

Last week, I wasn't feeling well one day and I fell asleep on the couch in my office for what would have cost me a week's pay when I started working. I kept the telephone on the floor near me so if I picked it up the person calling me might have thought I was at my desk.

I don't know how the time would be worked out, but people ought to be able to sleep a little at work. No one is smart for eight straight hours. Studies have shown that a 10-minute nap helps recharge your brain. Well, I hope it helped me.


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