The Best of Andy Rooney

There is solace in the fellowship of adversity. I am, therefore, undertaking the job of cataloging some of life's unpleasant little tasks in an effort to bring us all together. The following are hard jobs:

Filling out a form that has boxes that are too small for what they want you to put in them.

Washing the frying pan in which you've cooked scrambled eggs.

Mowing the lawn when the grass is too long -- and wet.

Pulling out the stem of a watch to reset the time.

Cleaning the garlic press.

Untwisting the wire gadget that cleaners use to hold two hangers together when you don't know which way to twist.

Lowering you car window to ask directions when it's pouring rain.

Recording a television show you want to see that's being broadcast next Tuesday when you'll be away on vacation in France.

Looking up a word you don't know how to spell to find out how to spell it.

Choosing the fastest lane at the checkout counter in the supermarket.

Choosing a melon that's ripe.

Remembering which side the gas tank is on if you have two cars that have them on opposite sides.

Getting back to sleep if you have to get up in the middle of the night when there's a full moon.

Finding anything you want to watch on television in the listings in the newspaper.

Opening a carton of milk that doesn't open when you press where it says, "Open here."

Attaching a hose to the faucet and the nozzle to the hose so neither of them spray water all over you when you turn them on.

Listening to or reading a lot of computer jargon you don't understand.

Changing a light bulb in the ceiling when all you have is a short ladder.

Separating the bottles, the newspapers, the cans and the garbage when you suspect the people who pick up your trash dump them all together wherever they take them.

Keeping a canoe going in a straight line when you're the only one in it paddling.

Maintaining a handy balance of money in your pocket without ending up with too many dimes, nickels and pennies and not enough 5- and 10-dollar bills.

Finding anything in the Yellow Pages. If you look under "Doctors," it'll be under "Physicians." If you look under "Cars," it'll be under "Automobiles," but if you look under "Automobile Rental," it'll be under "Car Rental."

Getting the wire on the back of a picture to catch the hook you hammered in to hang it from.

Cooking the right amount of rice or pasta without making either too much or too little.

Not letting someone dumber than you are, know that you think so.

Throwing away something you've had for a long time which is of absolutely no use to you.

Leaving the theater in the middle of a movie you hate, but that you paid a lot of money to see.

Reading in bed when the table the lamp is on, is too low.

Doing anything just because it's good for you.

(This classic Andy Rooney column was originally published July 8, 1996.)

The Best of Andy Rooney - Humor & Satire Classics

Humor & Funny Stories - Some of Life's Unpleasant Tasks | Andy Rooney

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