The Best of Andy Rooney

I hope you won't think I'm being falsely modest when I tell you that I think I have average less than average, but no more, either.

Sometimes when I read the newspaper, I worry about myself -- specifically about my brain. If I have average intelligence, why is there so much in the paper every day that confuses me?

I looked at some stories in the newspaper this morning to make my point.

Here's one that says a woman named somebody Simpson remodeled her kitchen and ended up buying a new six-burner induction range. I have never used the word "range" when I talk about my stove. I know the word "stove" sounds old-fashioned but that's the word I use for what I cook on. My stove has an oven, too -- or whatever you want to call that. Would you do something as simple as bake a potato on "an induction range"? I don't think so. I hate a potato that's been inducted.

There was another story with the headline, HOW TO MAKE A MEAL OUT OF TAHINI. Sounds good, but before I find out how to make it, I'd like to know what tahini is. I asked someone and they said that tahini is something made out of chickpeas. I don't like to eat anything I've never heard of. The recipe starts by listing "Two tablespoons extra virgin olive oil." What does "extra virgin" mean, anyway? Isn't just plain "virgin" olive oil OK? We all know what the word "virgin" means, but "extra virgin"?

TOYOTA IS FINED $16.1 MILLION, another headline reads.

I understand all the troubles that Toyota is having these days, but who decided on the "16.1 million"? And why the .1? Wasn't $16 million a big enough fine?

I know that Ford and Chrysler must have felt bad about Toyota being fined that much. I wonder if presidents of companies exchange notes of condolence? Just imagine:

"Dear Ed,

We all felt terrible here at Ford about the bad month you had, and that fine seemed like too high. We hope things get better at Toyota.

Regards, George"

Here's another horrible story:

In a mine in West Virginia, at least 25 miners were killed in an explosion this week. There have been a number of mining disasters in the last 25 years. Mining can be a very dangerous profession.

There are lots of jobs I wouldn't want to do, and mining coal would be at the top of my list. There are men who like it, but for me, just the thought of going down in a deep hole in the ground to dig coal makes me nervous. I wouldn't go underground if there was gold down there.

I was trying to think of other jobs I wouldn't want, and the list is too long to include here. I like to work, but I know what I want to work on, and I don't want to do anything else -- no matter how much they paid me.

When I was in college, I worked at a paper mill for $18 a week. It was probably a good experience for me to have because I hated every minute of it and it permanently put me off the idea of working at something I didn't like just for money. I've been lucky that my chosen profession, writing, is safe to perform.

The Best of Andy Rooney - Humor & Satire Classics

Humor & Funny Stories - View on the News (04/2010) | Andy Rooney

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