The Best of Andy Rooney

There's a theory in the news business that there are only so many stories. Here are 50 you can depend on reading over the next year:

1. Holiday travel, crowded airport, road traffic.

2. Stores are doing better/worse than usual at Christmas with sales up/down.

3. First baby of the new year born at local hospital.

4. Woman dies leaving $2 million to her cat.

5. Twenty-car pileup on highway as snowstorm delays commuters.

6. Lack of heat in apartments of the poor, 1,269 complaints.

7. Brother and sister are united after 50 years when she arrives from Dimitrovgrad.

8. Super Bowl story on sports about too many sports page stories about the Super Bowl.

9. President undergoes annual physical examination and doctors proclaim him to be in perfect health.

10. Ground Hog Day. There will be more/fewer days of winter.

11. The proliferation of potholes in city streets after hard winter.

12. Painting bought for $12 turns out to be a Van Gogh worth $4 million.

13. Baseball opening day. President does/does not throw out first ball.

14. City official found to have Swiss bank account, homes in Aspen, Cannes, Beverly Hills and Monaco. Fraud suspected. He did not return phone calls.

15. Mayor announces he's putting more police on streets by reducing number of cops doing desk work.

16. Last-minute income tax rush.

17. Anniversaries: Chernobyl, Pearl Harbor, The Titanic.

18. Widow of the victim says she is not bitter.

19. Police announce biggest drug bust ever.

20. A weeping statue of the Virgin Mary draws crowd to back yard.

21. Children of family in remote area travel 27 miles to school.

22. The first lady appeared in public yesterday with a new hairdo.

23. Strike by teachers who say they're paid less than janitors.

24. Jogging/liquor/cauliflower is good/bad for you.

25. Wedding takes place underwater/sky diving/in a balloon.

26. High school students die in post-graduation party car accident.

27. People who work nights/July 4th/Labor Day/Christmas.

28. Warning to sunbathers about risk of skin cancer.

29. The hottest day of the year with pictures of children under hydrant spray, women in bikinis at beach/lake.

30. Neighbors say teen-ager who murdered store owner was a good boy.

31. Bus plunges over cliff in Chile, killing 53.

32. Product recall. Manufacturer says there's no danger to public.

33. Dow Jones is up, down, unchanged in light, moderate, heavy trading.

34. Neighborhood rejects plan to use building as homeless shelter.

35. College tuition is going up.

36. Eight-year-old girl who wrote to the queen/president gets a handwritten answer.

37. Halloween warning. Safety pins may be found in candy bars.

38. A letter is delivered 27 years after it was written.

39. The candidate votes, with picture of him/her drawing curtain.

40. Cabinet member is fired. Announces he's resigning to spend more time with his family.

41. Turkey farm a week before Thanksgiving.

42. Thanksgiving at the local Salvation Army shelter.

43. Woman fired for posing nude for a men's magazine.

44. More people are leaving the farm to live in the city.

45. Training for street Santa Clauses.

46. White House entertains prime minister of Transylvania.

47. Airliner crashes. FAA investigates.

48. Mailman arrested after a room in his home is found filled with undelivered letters.

48. Out-of-control car crashes into family's living room while they're watching television.

49. The Ten Best/Worst movies, books, plays, videos, dressed.

50. Newspaper of the future will no longer be thrown on the doorstep but will be delivered electronically.

(This classic Rooney column was originally published Jan. 7, 1995.)

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