The Best of Andy Rooney

The following is a list of things I think are true:

-- Weeds grow faster than flowers.

-- When someone is nasty and mean-spirited and people say, "but he has a heart of gold," he usually doesn't.

-- Numbers of everything are longer than when I was 10.

-- It must be hard for a minister to have a fight with his wife early on a Sunday morning and then go to work.

-- Mail comes the day after you expect it.

-- A lot of dumb people graduate from college.

-- More books are sold than read.

-- Most countries make better beer and better bread than we make in the United States.

-- The world's heavyweight boxing champion today isn't as well known as Jack Dempsey, Joe Louis, Gene Tunney or Muhammad Ali.

-- No matter how big your suitcase is, it's always too small for what you're trying to get in it.

-- When I was young, the police conducted a test to prove that drinking had a deleterious effect on driving. Their intention was to show, in an actual driving test, how much worse drivers were after they'd had a drink than they were before. A yellow stripe was painted in wavy curves on the course. Ten drivers steered their cars around the course before they drank, and their performance was judged by how closely they adhered to the yellow line. After that, they sat down, had a stiff drink and waited 20 minutes before negotiating the course again. The experiment was a major public relations disaster because the drivers all did better after they'd had a drink.

-- There aren't many used car lots left. Used cars are all "pre-owned" now.

-- It's fun to eat with chopsticks but they aren't really any help when you're eating spaghetti.

-- If we all came back to Earth in 100 years, I'll bet we wouldn't find men wearing neckties.

-- The computer may make it easier for someone to write but it doesn't make the writing any better.

-- We often say things aren't as good as they used to be, even though, quite often, they're better.

-- The idea of having a cup of coffee is usually better than drinking the coffee.

-- Wine you can afford is often not worth drinking.

-- People don't whistle for fun as much as they used to.

-- There's a tendency to think something is profound if it's hard to understand.

-- It would be good if we could close our ears as easily as we close our eyes.

-- Elephants may be one of the smartest animals.

-- In the television listings, the line following a dirty movie says, "FOR MATURE AUDIENCES." It should read, "FOR IMMATURE AUDIENCES."

-- The man who trained the dolphins for the television series "Flipper" wanted all captive dolphins returned to the sea because he thought they were unhappy. I don't know. The performing dolphins seem happy to me. The fact is, no one knows whether dolphins in captivity are happy or not.

-- A college professor who toured the country interviewing prisoners concluded that dishonest people were, generally speaking, not as smart as honest people. A reviewer destroyed the professor's premise by pointing out that the professor had only interviewed the dishonest people who were dumb enough to get caught.

This is the last line of my column today. Honestly!

The Best of Andy Rooney - Humor & Satire Classics

Humor & Funny Stories - Things That Are True II | Andy Rooney

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