My Kids Have Weird Names, Too
Diane Farr

It's not as easy to find a child named after an Apostle as it used to be. Fewer Marks, Thomases, Peters and Pauls are around -- which is the polar opposite of when I was growing up. One of my peers has a father, brother and husband all named John. Yet, when she gave birth to a child, she named him Kenya

Writing and Ditch Digging
Andy Rooney

When I sit down at my computer with a blank page on the screen, I often feel like going back to bed. Sometimes nothing comes to mind to write about. If you're a ditch-digger, you dig ditches whether you feel like it or not, and if you're a columnist you write a column whether you feel like it or not

The Sum of Our Parts
Robert C. Koehler

Here's the problem: We're of value to others for reasons other than our souls. Someone wants our pocket change, for instance, or our sexuality. Or our vote.

The Dance of Life
Robert C. Koehler

This is like tuning a radio, I thought as I rocked my infant great-nephew, seeking the precise vibration of motion that would quiet his panicky fussing and bring a contented coo to his lips.

The End of Books
Paul Greenberg

The periodical shelves at Stanford University are nearly bare. Library chief Helen Josephine says that in the past five years, more engineering periodicals have been moved online, making their print versions pretty obsolete -- and books aren't doing much better.

The President's Residence
Andy Rooney

It doesn't make much sense but we've named a lot of the most important buildings around the world after their shape or appearance. Calling something 'white' doesn't mean much, but add the word 'house' and you've got what may be the most important building in the world: the White House.

Slow Train to Albany
Andy Rooney

The train ride from New York to Albany took three hours 50 years ago. Yesterday, with the miracles of computerized signal systems, a combination diesel-electric locomotive and millions of dollars worth of track improvements, it took me three hours and 28 minutes on an Amtrak train.

Get Off My Lawn
Jen Lancaster

'You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.' Spoken by barkeep Moe Szyslak in the 'Miracle on Evergreen Terrace' episode of 'The Simpsons,' these words have never felt more true than today

Money for Nothing
Mark Bazer

My 5-year-old son is developing an interest in money, and -- at the risk of being labeled a socialist by Glenn Beck -- I'm not finding it very enjoyable.

50 Ways to Beat the Heat
Paul Greenberg

What with August covering the country like a horse blanket, it's definitely time to update this annual list of heat-beaters. Feel free to clip and save, mix and match, and add your own

Things Not to Do Today
Andy Rooney

I started worrying about how much I had to do and how little of it I got done the previous day. It was at this moment that I had the thought that may change my life. I realized successful people are not any better than I am at doing things; they're better at not doing things I waste time doing.

Lebron James Will Regret Leaving Mediocre Team
Michael Showalter

Shame on Lebron James for wanting good teammates! The nerve of this guy! Speaking for myself, I want to work with the most mediocre people I can find. Why? Because it's the right thing to do! It's the only thing to do! Why is it the right thing to do? Uh . . . I don't know! Leave me alone! It just is!

Is There a Doctor Near My House?
Andy Rooney

Several years ago, I had a frank talk with my doctor. He's 10 years younger than I am, and I told him that there were things I expected of him, and one of those things was that I expected him to outlive me. I had no interest in breaking in new medical help

Marinades for You and, More Importantly, Me
Mark Bazer

Are you marinating your meat? Hmm, that question sounded dirtier than I intended. Please accept my apologies, and let's get on with the business at hand. Which, again, is marinating meat

Same Sex Marriage is on its Way
Diane Farr

If we really want to preserve the endangered traditional marriage, perhaps we shouldn't ban same-sex marriage, but consider putting Katharine Hepburn's thoughts about co-habitation into American law. The grande dame is said to have wondered whether men and women really suit each other. 'Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then,' she quipped

Home, Sweet, Wet Home
Jen Lancaster

A very nice bank has agreed to loan us a couple of bucks. In return, we'll exchange said funds for a small plot of land containing at least four walls, some kind of finished flooring, segments of transparent glass through which we might see said yard, and a roof, preferably watertight. How hard can it be to find a home with these features, right?

Desire is a Terrible Disease
Andy Rooney

I've had true love and a change of weather, but I've yearned for many more things over the years. Some I've had, some I haven't. Desire can drive you crazy and, more often than not, it makes no sense. The trick to happiness is adjusting your desire to the realities of your life, and that's hard. If you can't have what you want, it makes sense to want less

Things That Are True II
Andy Rooney

The following is a list of things I think are true

A Collection of Random Thoughts
Andy Rooney

When they're on vacation, columnists look for easy columns to write: Here are a few random thoughts and observations

Bed-Buggin' Out
Mark Bazer

All but eliminated for decades thanks to now-banned pesticides like DDT (which did their job but just may have had minor side effects like causing cancer in people, killing bald eagles, etc.), bed bugs look at today's environmentally friendly pesticides as refreshing palette-cleansers to the main course: us

I Want to Like Soccer
Michael Showalter

I love sports. And I'm really easy to please. I'll watch anything. Full disclosure: I'm one of those guys who got into curling during the Winter Olympics. I was on the edge of my seat going, 'Swiffer that ice faster! Swiffer that ice faster!' Sadly, in spite of my heroic efforts, I just couldn't get into the World Cup

How to Become Unemployed in 7 Easy Steps
Robert Pagliarini

If your job is getting in the way of your life, now is the perfect time to get laid off. First, there's no stigma attached to not working since so many are unemployed. The unemployment rate is almost 10 percent and the underemployment rate is close to 20 percent. You'll be part of a select, albeit growing, group

Mommy's Little Polymer
Diane Farr

Every playgroup my kids attend and every grocery checkout line I'm stuck in with other mothers subjects me to yet another discussion about the dangers of plastic. Bottles, plates, utensils, food containers, sunglasses, DVDs and every toy in my house are coming to get me and mine, say the ladies. But back to the polymer minefield of my home

Up In Smoke
Andy Rooney

There are two stories in the paper that make me mad. The first says American billionaires ought to donate half of everything they make to charity. Frankly, the capitalist system we have works best for the most people. The second story I don't agree with says the tax on a pack of cigarettes is going up $1.60.

Watching My Watch My Way
Andy Rooney

I wear my wristwatch with the face on the under side of my wrist because I like it that way. I find it easier to see and I'm used to it. A friend gave me the watch about 20 years ago. It still keeps perfect time and I have no intention of getting a new one. Wearing my watch under my wrist may be an affectation but it's my affectation and I like it.

The Tools of My Trade
Andy Rooney

"The tools of the trade" is a common phrase, and I've been looking around my office at the tools I use in my trade, writing.

New Jersey is the New Black
Jen Lancaster

Flip to any channel and you'll see one of two things -- extensive coverage of the BP disaster or a reality TV show starring people from New Jersey. Although I'm not a resident, I lived in New Jersey as a kid and that's when I became a Jerseyphile. Although I've not set foot in the (201) for thirty years, I still bristle when someone cracks a joke at poor Newark's expense

Man Versus Plant
Mark Bazer

Medusa was back, and she was after my family. Not the Gorgon from Greek mythology. She's been dead thousands of years. Rather her namesake, the plant/monster that climbs up the side of a narrow archway at the entrance to our backyard and then coils above it in an unruly mass

Some Thoughts on Saving and Spending
Andy Rooney

Some people are good at throwing things away, but I save things. Saving things doesn't make sense because you hardly ever use what you save, but I can't help myself. I keep everything.

Sure Sign of Summer: Construction Season Returns
Mitch Albom

I sit. I sigh. I crane my neck and scan the windshield. All I see is a horizon full of stuck cars and the most hated color of summer. Orange. As in barrels. Every year it is the same thing. The weather gets warm. We finally leave our driveways without a snowplow. We take a turn, ready to hit the open roads and ...

I'm Not Looking Forward to 40
Michael Showalter

Honestly, it's really exciting and I'd have to say that the only thing about turning 40 that I'm not looking forward to is turning 40. Other than that, I'm thrilled!

Does This Naked Woman Look Like Me?
Diane Farr

In just two years I have delivered three babies and recently finished breastfeeding the last two -- at the same time. I'm praying for an immaculate resurrection of my entire torso, but it hasn't happened yet. So when I was offered a role on 'Californication' as David Duchovny's new love interest, I accepted only if the producers would proffer me a body double.

Money Makes People Jittery
Andy Rooney

My newspaper this morning has a headline that reads: INVESTORS GET JITTERY ON A GLOBAL SCALE. Really? I'm an investor. Small time, I suppose, but I'm not jittery. To tell you the truth, I read the sports pages and the Page One news each morning before I read what happened to my stocks and bonds and the news on Wall Street

BP Oil Spill: And a Child Shall Lead Them
Carl Hiaasen

British Petroleum announced today that it has fired its top engineer for safety design and replaced him with Jody McNamara, age 12, a sixth-grade honors student at the Dwight Eisenhower Middle School in Tulsa, Oklahoma

Much Ado about Justin Bieber
Jen Lancaster

Can someone please explain Justin Bieber to me? I ask because I can't pass a newsstand without seeing his innocent little face, framed by his sincere bowl-cut. Yes, I grasp the concept that he's a budding pop star and that he's beloved by the training-bra set. What I've yet to figure out is why he inspires such frenzy. Also, what's the deal with the 'do?

How Times Have Changed
Andy Rooney

No one is honest with us about time. For an example, when an airline tells you how long a flight will be they should be made to count the minutes and hours from the time they say you have to be at the airport, to the time the plane lands and you go into the terminal.

I've Been Thinking About Women in Government
Andy Rooney

President Obama named Elena Kagan the new Supreme Court nominee. It's taken a long time, but the reluctance to appointing women to high government offices seems to be a thing of the past. It's my opinion -- which I reveal reluctantly -- that there are things men do better than women and things women do better than men. However, I don't think there's any difference when it comes to judges

Endless Bummer: The E-Mails of Spring
Mark Bazer

Charity is Never Easy
Andy Rooney

If you have your health, some happiness, a job, a place to live and some money in the bank, you don't need help. At least twice a week, I feel guilty as I drop some letter asking for a contribution into the little wicker wastebasket next to my chair.

Sound Machine
Michael Showalter

My girlfriend and I live in Brooklyn, so we can hear the trucks rumbling past our bedroom late at night. It's something you eventually get used to, but it can be a distraction. One evening she leaned over to me and said, 'You know what? We should get a sound machine.' I replied, 'Why? It's not noisy enough already?'

Bits and Pieces in My Mind
Andy Rooney

What Makes a Housewife Desperate
Diane Farr

One hour into my new job on 'Desperate Housewives,' Felicity Huffman asks me, 'You have three kids under three years old? How are you managing it all with work?' I can't even meet her eye as I shamefully reply, 'Work is the best part of my day.'

Is There an App for That?
Jen Lancaster

So, the new iPad's finally available. I'm aware of this because I saw someone using one yesterday . . . while merging into six lanes of traffic. My first thought was, 'Cool!' followed immediately by, 'Hey, wait -- when did driving stop being dangerous?'

The Weather Brings Back Pleasant Memories
Andy Rooney

The warmer weather we have now is more bearable than it used to be because of the things we've invented. Our houses have been heated one way or another for centuries, but air conditioning is a relatively recent invention. I don't know why it's not called "cooling" instead of "conditioning," but there may never have been an invention better than air conditioning.

Tax Reform: How to Fix a Broken System
Mark Bazer

For as long as this country has had an Internal Revenue Service, Americans have complained about -- and often sought ways to fix -- what is by most accounts a broken system. But from a 'flat tax' to getting rid of the income tax altogether, no proposed remedy to our annual tax-filing woes has quite held the answer. Until now.

Before You Ask for the Key to a City...
Andy Rooney

It's kind of nice that most Americans who live in a city are proud of it. They like their city and they want the rest of the world to like it, too. New York is the only exception.

Paying Taxes is a Blast!
Michael Showalter

It's been a long, cold winter but spring is finally here. How do I know? I know because, just like last year at this time, it was a beautiful day outside and I was trapped at my desk trying to figure out how to do my taxes. Let me amend that last statement: Trapped at my desk trying to figure out how to use the computer program that is supposedly there to help me do my taxes.

View on the News (04/2010)
Andy Rooney

I hope you won't think I'm being falsely modest when I tell you that I think I have average intelligence. Sometimes when I read the newspaper, I worry about myself -- specifically about my brain. If I have average intelligence, why is there so much in the paper every day that confuses me? I looked at some stories in the newspaper to make my point.

Where the White Women At
Diane Farr

'Where the white women at?' asks Cleavon Little in 'Blazing Saddles.' Obviously Cleavon didn't have a subscription to Vanity Fair. I'm tired of how, age and weight aside, these arbiters of taste have once again managed to step on every race in America other than the one they're clearly catering to by featuring 12 white women on their cover.

On the Job
Andy Rooney

There's a story in the newspaper that says a lot of people in Athens, Greece, are retiring when they're 50 years old, contributing to a massive debt crisis. The Greek government has determined that if you have a certain job which could have deleterious effects on your health, you have the right to retire at 50 with your full pension.

Don't Blame Mii, Japan
Jen Lancaster

Remember when Japan was cool? Japan's fallen out of favor. One might think Toyota's massive PR FAIL is the root of the problem, but that's just a smoke screen. The real culprits are far more insidious. I'm talking about the Wii console and its 'Wii Fit' video game, of course.

Some Sound Ideas
Andy Rooney

Recently, walking back from lunch, I started to cross the street when I heard the sound of a coin dropping. It wasn't much but, as I turned, my eyes caught the heads of several other people turning, too. A woman had dropped what appeared to be a dime.

We All Begin the Season in First Place
Mark Bazer

My retired parents are spending their first winter in Florida so my dad can have another place to complain about, and last week my wife and 4-year-old son and I invaded their cranky peace for five days. In between it all, my dad and I took my son to a Florida Marlins spring-training game in a noble effort to pass along the national pastime to a new generation

The Great B-17: A World War II Memory
Andy Rooney

There have always been stories of war because death is of ultimate importance, and war is often about death. Of all the inanimate objects that have been important to my life, none that involved death were more important than the B-17

It's All Rice and Potatoes to Me ...
Andy Rooney

I know you didn't ask, but here are some of my opinions on the best things to eat. I'm going to give them to you whether you want them or not.

Suggestions for New Events at Next Winter Olympics
Michael Showalter

The Vancouver Olympics are over and it's time to look ahead to Russia 2014. Considering the record snowfall many of us have had to put up with this year, I think the Olympics Committee should consider some new events

Don't Touch the Celebrity and Other Things to Know When Approaching 'The Famous'
Diane Farr

So, what should you do if you see a celebrity and don't have a highly paid lawyer for a wingman? Just use my checklist before attempting conversation with the well-known.

Three Seasons...Not Four!
Andy Rooney

Of all the seasons, I like spring the least. Spring doesn't start for a couple of weeks, but I thought I'd get a jump on explaining my dislike. I like summer, I like fall and winter, but I've never cared much for spring, especially early spring.

Man's Best Friend
Andy Rooney

I was thinking about dogs the other day as I watched the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

A Leap in Cow Control
Dave Barry

People always ask me: How come the newspaper prints so much bad news? How come the front page always has negative headlines

View on the News (02/2010)
Andy Rooney

Ever since World War II, I've been reading and writing headlines, but I look at my newspaper every day and don't understand more than half of them. Some of the headlines are written more to intrigue potential readers than to inform them. but still, we ought to know what they're talking about. Here are some recent examples

Not Exactly Razor-Sharp Criminals
Dave Barry

We continue to see an alarming decline in the quality of our nation's criminals. Consider the man who tried to rob a mini-mart. The robber elected to wear a disguise, which was a good idea, since he was a regular customer of the store. The problem was the particular disguise he picked. Shaving cream.

Offensive Weapons
Dave Barry

The United States is developing an Odor Bomb. 'Why?' you are saying. 'Don't we already have New Jersey?' Fine, make your little jokes. But this happens to be a matter of national security. According to news items sent in by several alert readers, the Department of Defense has asked scientists to develop an odor that is repulsive to all humans.

My Super Super Bowl Weekend
Andy Rooney

There are a lot of things I like to do and a lot of good times of the year. For me, though, the day they play the Super Bowl is best. It's ridiculous to let a game get that big in your life, but I've let it happen.

Super Bowl Visitors Guide
Dave Barry

Welcome to Miami! Get ready for a fun Super Bowl week, because you're going to see some serious partying 'Miami Style' -- people eating, drinking, singing, shouting, fighting, discharging firearms, sacrificing animals, sinking motor yachts and dancing naked around burning buses. And those are our police officers.

For the Love of the English Language
Andy Rooney

Spelling isn't a problem of mine. I suppose I don't use a lot of hard words, but spelling comes easily to me. I almost never check my spelling using a dictionary or the spell check function on my computer. I take the position that the dictionary is as apt to be wrong as I am. This saves me a lot of time.

Valley of the Dolls
Dave Barry

What I do, first thing every morning, is play with dolls. The dolls belong to my 15-month-old daughter, Sophie, who likes to start the day by giving her dolls a toy bottle. She has a strong nurturing instinct, although it is not matched by her hand-eye coordination, so often she sticks the bottle into a doll's eye. The dolls don't mind.

Which Political Party Do You Belong To
Andy Rooney

I guess I'd have to say I'm a Democrat, if I'm anything, but I'm probably not anything. I'm always surprised at friends who think they know for sure which candidate is best. Political parties are of little interest to me, and it seems as though they draw lines where lines don't have to be drawn.

Strange Case for the Weather
Andy Rooney

We'd all like to be able to control the weather or, at the very least, to predict what the weather is going to be where we live.

Happy Trails to You
Dave Barry

There's nothing like taking your family on a camping trip. getting away from civilization, sleeping under the open sky, looking up into the heavens and gazing upon an awe-inspiring vista of millions and millions of . . . what ARE those things? Bats? Very large mosquitoes? Oh NO! They've taken little Ashley!

This Deserves a Life Sentence
Dave Barry

It is with great verisimilitude that we present another installation of 'Ask Mister Language Person,' the column that answers your common questions about grammar, punctuation and unwanted body hair.

Small Talk: Conversation or Giant Bore?
Andy Rooney

If there has ever been a book written about small talk, and how to conduct it, I've never seen it. During the holiday season is when we need a book like that the most. A cocktail or dinner party can be a drag if people don't know how to small-talk. 'How have you been?' isn't good enough.

Discourse on the Golf Course
Dave Barry

You have surely noticed that a big golf craze is sweeping the nation, as aging Baby Boomers discover the benefits of participating in a sport where the most physically demanding activity is ordering putters by mail

Airplanes Duct-Tape Daredevils
Dave Barry

These days, we take flying for granted. We walk aboard commercial airplanes, and although we don't understand how they work, we're confident that, thanks to the sophisticated technology embodied in these complex machines, some teeny part, possibly in the toilet, will malfunction and we will be delayed. But sometimes planes actually fly. And when they do ...

So, It's 2010!
Andy Rooney

I don't know whether it's me or life, but the year 2010 is just around the corner and I was thinking how little I care. One year has gotten to feel just like the last one. We've made a big mistake making January 1 New Year's Day. It doesn't feel like anywhere near the first of the year for me. I'd like to a new New Year's Day ...

Christmas and Money
Andy Rooney

I love Christmas and I hate Christmas. I don't like to see it end but I'm glad it's over. I'm embarrassed to say how much I like Christmas and Christmas presents. I can still remember some of the presents I got as a child. Uncle Bill always gave me a $20 gold coin. ...

Waging Germ Warfare
Dave Barry

Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms--so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing ...

Shopping is for Presents And the Birds
Andy Rooney

The trouble is, we all tend to buy presents we like without much thought about what the person you're giving the present to would like. Sometimes the people you like best are hardest to get presents for.

The Things We Do for Fame
Mitch Albom

2009 will be remembered as the year we sold our souls for fame. There was the Octomom, the Balloon Boy family, the White House Gate Crashers and we can't begin to list all the wanna-be celebrities who shamelessly threw themselves into the limelight

White House Gate Crashers: Fame Bakes a New Upper Crust
Clarence Page

This Internet-age reasoning drives the fame junkies of our age, which apparently helps us to understand Michaele and Tareq Salahi, better known far and wide as the White House gate crashers, the couple who sneaked into President Barack Obama's first state dinner.

Mistletoe and Corn Dogs
Dave Barry

I love Christmas in Miami. Oh, sure, it's not like Christmas up north. We don't have Jack Frost nipping at our nose: We have Harvey Heat Rash nipping at our underwear regions. And we never look outside on Christmas morning to discover that the landscape has been magically transformed by a blanket of white. But Christmas is not about weather. It's about the holiday spirit, and there is only one true measure of that ...

Clueless at Christmas
Dave Barry

Christmas is a festive time - a time of parties and presents and songs that we all love, except for 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,' which I for one got tired of. I prefer traditional Christmas carols, such as ...

Indian, Indians, and American Indians
Andy Rooney

When we use the word 'Indian,' it can mean one of two things, which is unnecessarily confusing. I don't know how we got into calling two absolutely different people from two different continents by the same name.

My Mailbox Runneth Over
Andy Rooney

I would be happy to pay a modest amount if I could be assured of never again getting a catalog that I didn't ask for. My mailbox runneth over.

Sanity Now Departing
Dave Barry

Even on a good day, the Dallas-Fort Worth airport is not traveler-friendly. It was apparently built on top of a warp in the space-time continuum, so no matter what gate you arrive at, you're at least six miles from your departure gate.

Thoughts on Chocolate and Cars
Andy Rooney

The image and price of things in general has a lot to do with our opinion of them. It seems wrong, but almost always the things that cost the most are considered to be the best

Dave Barry

This is Funny, Trust Us
Dave Barry

We are worried, here in the newspaper business (motto: 'What, YOU never make misstakes?'). We're hearing that you readers have lost your faith in us. Polls show that, in terms of public trust, the news media now rank lower than used-car salespeople, kidnappers, tapeworms and airline flight announcements. We are still slightly ahead of lawyers.

Mindless in Mickeytown
Dave Barry

Every year, we return to Orlando, Fla. Instinct makes us do this. We're like the salmon who must swim upstream to spawn and die. They are lucky. We must go to theme parks. A theme park is an amusement park where you pay one blanket admission fee, which is quite steep, but once you're inside, everything is totally free, except all the other stuff you end up buying

Flight 573 Now Boding
Dave Barry

We set out with a sense of foreboding. If you ever feel a boding, and later on something bad happens, that was a foreboding. We were traveling from Miami to Minnesota, a state located near, or possibly inside, Canada. The reason we felt a boding was that we were carrying a live baby, and we had stupidly elected to travel by airplane. I think that, instead of making such a big deal about weapons, the airlines ought to start cracking down on babies

Dakota: Just a Snow Job
Dave Barry

North Dakota is talking about changing its name. I frankly didn't know you could do that. I thought states' names were decreed by the Bible or something. In fact, as a child, I believed that when Columbus arrived in North America, the states' names were actually, physically, written on the continent, in gigantic letters, the way they are on maps.

Cyberspace Cadet
Dave Barry

It's time once again for Keyboard Korner, the computer-advice column that uses simple, 'jargon-free' terminology that even an idiot like you can grasp; the column that shows you how to 'take command' of your personal computer, if necessary by reducing it to tiny smoking shards with a hatchet.

Who Can Do the Math
by Dave Barry

We have come to the time of year when we remove the video-game controls -- by surgery, if necessary -- from the hands of our children, and send them back to school. Knowledge is our nation's most precious resource, after agriculture and Ray Charles.

The Mother of All Parties
by Dave Barry

Things are tense in our house. Like many moms, my wife believes that a child's birthday party requires as much planning as a lunar landing--more, actually, because you have to hire a clown.

Not Breathing? Try This
by Dave Barry

This is a special time of year, as expressed so poetically in the lyrics to the haunting song 'Summertime' from 'Porgy and Bess': 'Summertime, and the livin' is easy, Fish are jumpin' And gettin' lodged in the throats of fisherpersons.'

Discover...Your House
by Dave Barry

Summer vacation season is here, and if you have kids, you know what that means! No, sorry. But where should you go for your vacation this year? Avoid risky areas such as Asia, Europe, South America, Africa, Canada and Mexico. Do not touch anything.

Bride As Frankenstein
by Dave Barry

Your modern American wedding is more complex, in terms of logistics, than a lunar landing. For one thing, NASA scientists don't have to decide on guest favors; the bride does, and it's not simple.

The Party is Over, Toto
by Dave Barry

I used to be a party animal. If there was a party, I was there, and I did not leave until it was over. Even then, I did not always leave. Sometimes the people who threw the party, if they wanted to get rid of me, had to move.

Talk About an Air Strip
by Dave Barry

For some reason, my traveling party had been singled out by the security people for a near-proctological level of scrutiny. This surprised me, because my party consisted of me, my wife and our 20-month-old daughter. I cannot imagine terrorists getting anything done if they were traveling with a baby

The Class-Conscious Diet
by Dave Barry

My favorite part of The New York Times is a weekly section that reports on things that trendy New Yorkers are doing. This section is called Sunday Styles, because it would be rude to come right out and call it Rich Twits on Parade.

Andy Rooney

What Do You Do With Your Money
Andy Rooney

Our desire to buy things is sometimes bigger than the amount of money we have to pay for those things. It's too bad that our money doesn't increase the way our desire does. There ought to be banks where we could save desire. Interest would be high.

What Are Your Preferences
Andy Rooney

We all have favorites. I know the people who are my favorites. I have foods I like, clothes I prefer to wear, places I like to go to, television shows I watch and politicians I vote for. In every case, my preferences include the opposite -- people I hate, food I won't eat, television shows I skip and politicians I can't stand.

One Man's Trash / Treasure ...
Andy Rooney

We waste more in the United States than the people of most other countries even have. Driving through the streets of any major city on the day the trash collectors come -- or are supposed to come -- is an experience the citizens of a hundred less prosperous nations would find difficult to believe.

Wouldn't You Like to Be a Politician?
Andy Rooney

It's a good thing for all of us that there are people who want to be politicians because you couldn't pay most of us to take the job of mayor, governor or president of anything. Why are there people who want to do such difficult work? We're all glad they do, but why?

How Does Your State Rank
Andy Rooney

This column is sort of a cheat because I have a book called 'State Rankings 2009' that you probably don't have. I get to do an easy column once in a while, and this book has some fascinating numbers

The Newspaper Business Then and Now
Andy RooneyThe newspapers keep coming in my office. There's always today's paper before I've finished yesterday's and I get a lot of them. As you know, I'm an avid newspaper reader and I like all the little stories, so the paper takes me a long time to read.

How Does Your Brain Work
Andy Rooney

It may not matter to you, but I wish there was a better way for us to keep track of some of the numbers and information we gather throughout our lives. And then of course I'd like to be able to permanently forget some information. Sometimes I feel that we should be in more control of our brains.

What's In The Mail Today
by Andy Rooney

One of the good things in life is getting a letter. In view of the fact that I think this is true, it's strange -- I guess I mean "dumb" -- that I don't write more letters myself.

Don Hewitt, A Friend to the End
by Andy Rooney

As a tribute to the legendary Don Hewitt, the originator of "60 Minutes" and long-time CBS News producer/director, I decided to re-release a column I wrote 11 years ago. My former boss and a friend for more than 60 years, Hewitt, fighting to the end, passed away Wednesday, Aug. 19.

Our Homes Away From Home
by Andy Rooney

Some towns in the U.S. have good names and some do not. I have a home in a great town, and I'm not going to name the town for fear that everyone will want to come there.

A Writer on Writing and Words
by Andy Rooney

It's best for writers not to think too much about writing when they write. I know this may seem wrong to the reader, but I can't help myself. I've been thinking about writing for the last month because I'm on vacation and writing is what I love, not vacationing.

A Smile by Any Other Name is Still A Smile
by Andy Rooney

Words are what we use most often to communicate information or a thought, but we transfer a lot of ideas from one person to another using means other than the written or spoken word. For example, we smile. A smile is a complex way of indicating what we think to someone else because there are so many ways to smile. We smile to ...

Play First, Read Instructions Later
by Andy Rooney

The directions that come with any new appliance or tool must all be written in one place in some remote foreign country because they all sound the same. They also sound as if they've been written by someone who knows almost no English.

Where Does the Time Go?
by Andy Rooney

It doesn't pay to get thinking much about time because it's depressing. You can't put your finger on it. Time has no beginning we can imagine and no end we can conceive of. Time is endless in both directions -- behind us and in front of us.

Born to Lose
by Andy Rooney

I'm a world-class loser. There are very few people better at losing things than I am. I was getting into bed and I thought to myself, "Maybe losing stuff would make a column." So I scribbled some notes about it on a piece of paper, turned out the lights and went to sleep ...

Summer Vacation: It's That Time of Year, Again
by Andy Rooney

Looking forward to a good time is one of the pleasures of life, and it's that time of the year for me. It's just before my summer vacation. Looking forward to a vacation can often be better than the vacation itself.

What's in the Headlines
by Andy Rooney

Look at these headlines. Does everyone know what the editors are talking about ...

Summer is On Its Way
by Andy Rooney

You can feel summer coming and I don't like it. It begins on June 21. Heat is harder to deal with than cold. When it's cold, you can put on another coat or turn up the heat, but there's just so much you can take off to stay cool when it's hot outdoors.

Mitch Albom

Famous ... for 15 Seconds
Mitch Albom

You used to have to do something to become famous. Now being famous is doing something. This is all part of the narcissism culture that moved from T-shirts with your kids' faces to chest thumping to celebratory rap lyrics through Me Cameras, reality TV, YouTube postings and now, the last pinnacle, a Times Square billboard.

Hand Sanitizer: The New Bottled Water
Mitch Albom

The news anchor shakes my hand. Then he turns, still talking, and presses the nozzle on the hand sanitizer. This is the new American greeting. Howdy, neighbor -- let me wipe you off. The current hysteria over the H1N1 flu virus has people so spooked, they don't even wait until you leave the room. They touch you, then untouch you. Connect-disconnect

Wall Street: Get Off Your High Horse
Mitch Albom

If a bank gives you money to buy a house, it gets to determine the mortgage, right? If a credit card company issues you a Visa, it tells you the terms, not the other way around, correct? Then why do financial institutions bailed out by the government cry foul when that same government -- i.e., their bank -- wants to set the rules? Isn't that how the banks do business

TV News Sensationalism: Everything Is Suspect
Mitch Albom

Back in 1949, a little girl in California fell down a well. As diggers tried to save her, a huge crowd gathered. The rescue attempt, which took several days, was broadcast nationwide on radio -- and followed anxiously on a new medium called television. Since that moment, kids and danger have been an irresistible lure for broadcasters

Invasion of Privacy, Yes, but $100 Million Worth
By Mitch Albom

Mandi is a junior, and she and her parents, in filing a $100 million lawsuit against the school, claim that the coach not only violated her constitutional rights, but also trashed her high school experience, causing her to be an outcast, depressed and suffering a drop in grades.

Obama Unfair to the Rich
by Mitch Albom

In explaining why it was OK to sock a new 5.4 percent tax on the highest earners in this country -- to pay for health care reform -- President Obama's press secretary. Robert Gibbs, said this: 'The President believes that the richest 1 percent of this country has had a pretty good run of it for many, many, many years.' Ah. So that's it ...

It's Not Polite, But It's Democracy
by Mitch Albom

I have no illusions about those protesters at recent town hall meetings on health care. Some are fueled by angry conservative groups. Some are hopped up on radio hosts' rants and ravings. Some are Barack Obama haters. Some use one piece of wrong information to smear an entire event. And some -- maybe even most -- just think the whole idea of government health care stinks. But ...