Humor by Michael Showalter
I never thought I'd say this, but, "It's in the upper 80s today. It's sweater weather!"
Yes, it has come to that. After experiencing a scorching atmosphere for the past week that I could have in no uncertain terms baked cookies in, I can honestly say that today's forecast of "highs in the upper 80s" actually had me considering dressing in layers before leaving the house so as not to catch a cold.
Honestly, though, is having a cold in this heat even possible? Shouldn't a cold in the time of a heat wave be called a "hot"? I can just imagine my mom saying to me, "Don't forget to wear your cutoff shorts and tank tops, dear, otherwise you'll catch a terrible hot!"
And I'd whine back at her, "I know, Mom. I know!"
But, really, upper 80s?! It's practically arctic. If there's any downside to this sudden cold front, it would be that I'll have to take all my cookie-baking activities out of the backyard and into the oven where I usually do most of my cookie baking. Just think: If it were hot like this all the time, we'd see baking instructions on all packaging that said things like, "Take your casserole, put out on front stoop, and let sit for half an hour until outer crust is crispy and brown."
Even though I'm very happy that it's chilly again, it was nice to be able to know what life on the sun is like, if only for a few stifling and unbearably hot days. Not surprisingly, it turns out that life on the sun, if the past week is any indicator, is hot. Really, really hot. Like so hot that you break a sweat just wiping sweat off your brow. This, of course, is where we got the famous question: Which came first? The sweat on your brow, or the sweat on your brow created from wiping the sweat off your brow? It's a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and all in all, generally just really hot.
To add insult to injury, our government is stalemating our country into certain oblivion. These guys cannot agree on anything! Here's one thing we Americans can agree on, be ye Democrat, be ye Republican: It's really hot.
We can agree that we'd rather be drifting aimlessly about a swimming pool on a flotation device shaped like a turtle. Right? We can agree that we'd rather have a tall cool glass of lemonade in one hand, and in the other hand, also a tall cool glass of lemonade. Right?
So, if we can agree on that then why shouldn't we be able to agree on how to balance the budget and pay off all our trillions of dollars of debt and rebuild the economy?! It's so easy! If only our nation's congressmen were reading this column -- the budget crisis would be solved!
Oh, well. At least there's football.
- A Smashing Time That Was Good for Some
- Boy, Do We Like to Watch
- Please Don't Feed the Twins
- Parenting: Don't Think. It Can Only Hurt the Team
- Regrets. People Should Have a Few
- What I'll Miss About Bachelorhood
- Get That Nut Away From My Child!
- For the Love of the English Language
- It's Time to Win One for the Zipper
- Does Whatever a Lousy Title Can
- I Prefer My Preferences
- What Do You Do With a Gift Shop Gift
- Life and Religion
- The Action Pile
- Why I Hate Myself for Going to Starbucks
- Kicking the Bucket List
- The War of the Sandwiches
- In Praise of the Common Cold
- Nobody Wants a Bummer Ending
- The Anti-Social Network
- I Have Been Known to Save Things
- I'm King of the Burger!
- My Kids Have Weird Names, Too
- Get Off My Lawn
- Money for Nothing
- 50 Ways to Beat the Heat
- Things Not to Do Today
- Desire is a Terrible Disease
- Home, Sweet, Wet Home
- Bed-Buggin' Out
- I Want to Like Soccer
- New Jersey is the New Black
- I'm Not Looking Forward to 40
- Charity is Never Easy
- Is There an App for That?
- Paying Taxes is a Blast!
Humor & Funny Stories - How Hot Was It? | Michael Showalter
Article: Copyright © Tribune Media Services