Humor by Diane Farr

Amtrak stopped one of its trains recently to allow police to remove and arrest a "loud cellphone talker" -- charging the woman with disorderly conduct.

This particular cellular-sloth had been on her handheld nonstop during a 16-hour journey from Oakland, Calif., to Salem, Ore. -- in the "Quiet Car."

The Quiet Car would be the train car with large signs reading "No Cellphones Allowed," but it seems that this chatty passenger had such a sense of self that she believed the signs did not apply to her. She also felt entitled to become belligerent when the "Lord of the Flies" effect took over and another passenger playing the part of Piggy confronted her about her volume. Not at all tired after her multihour talking spree, this big mouth still had enough energy to become aggressive with the other passengers, which is when the train was stopped and police were called in.

Well hip-hip hooray for the cavalry! And while you are at it, boys in blue, here's a list of places where other perpetrators of this crime hang out: Starbucks, the doctor's office and my kid's preschool.

Hello, you socially clueless people, Starbucks is not your personal office. A virtual office means you have to act like you could possibly function in an actual office. That includes not annoying every person around you. And for those who have somehow forgotten that the doctor's office is not only a place for checkups, please note that it's also frequented by people in pain. People who felt sick before hearing about you tripping the light fandango in the parking lot of a mall last night. Give them some peace. And, hey, mamas picking up your kids, pay attention to them! Because while you're yelling at Dad on the phone, your kid is all over mine.

And for any mobile user who feigns ignorance of what volume is acceptable for public phone usage, see the following rules that should be stamped onto the back of your charger for review every time you plug in:

1. Newcomers:

No one wants to OVERHEAR where you got your phone, how long that process took or what about the phone is not functioning well now. All the rest of America has had those experiences and we all have crap service, too. So even if you want to bore the person on the other end of your new phone to death, spare those of us within earshot and whisper this.

2. For The Perpetually Loud Talkers:

The person you are speaking to is probably not hard of hearing, so stop shouting into the phone. All those people staring at you are not an audience. We are not captivated by your tale. We hate you. And your cue that you are being too loud is the look on all of our faces.

3. For Any Pedestrian, Anywhere:

A person giving you a dirty look while you are talking on a cellphone does not have you confused with someone else. They are atelepathically trying to tell you, "You are a loud talker and you suck." If you don't start understanding these looks soon and reduce your volume, your physical well-being could be in jeopardy.

4. And, Hey, Guys:

Phone time does not equal grooming time. Loud talking combined with picking your fingernails, digging around inside your pants or combing over your Donald Trump hair may soon become grounds for justifiable homicide. Go to the bathroom if you have to adjust yourself in any way.

5. And Ladies:

It's bad enough to pick your nose while driving because you somehow think the car makes you invisible -- but you are no less invisible when talking on the phone and BARELY DRIVING AT ALL. If you can't walk and chew gum simultaneously, then you definitely can't push the gas pedal and talk on a cellphone. Put your phone in the trunk like Oprah says!

And I'm hanging up on you now.

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