Humor by Mark Bazer
Here's what happens every time a celebrity has a baby. The birth is announced, but details are lacking. Name? Gender? Father? We don't yet know, but joy floods our hearts.
What a wonderful gift for such a deserving famous person! And what a potentially wonderful gift for us should years from now this child grow up to have entertaining problems!
But then the investigative reporters at
Who does she think she is? What the heck was wrong with all the names we all had already agreed upon were names? And how could she do that to her child?
We worry (because we are such caring people) that this child will be teased mercilessly at school -- until we realize he or she will attend the same elite private school as Bronx and Apple and ...
And then a few days later we forget this baby exists, and a few days after that so do the celebrity parents.
But here's the thing: I'm convinced it's all a ruse. I don't believe for a second there is actually a baby out there named Moroccan or Bear. Alicia Silverstone seems too sensible to name a kid Bear, and Mariah Carey wouldn't know how to spell Moroccan.
These names and all the other absurd ones -- Kal-El (Nic Cage), Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson), etc. -- must be just the "front names" that the celebrities and the gossip industry have agreed upon to sell magazines, get people talking about them and maybe even shield their babies from the spotlight.
Instead, I believe Mariah Carey's and Alicia Silverstone's boys are both named Fred. I believe that the baby boys of all celebrity parents are named Fred. And the baby girls all are named Anne.
I won't hear any argument on this, though I am willing to concede that on rare occasion a celebrity will name her boy Anne or her girl Fred.
One of these days, though, I'd like a celebrity to be honest with us -- and not beg for attention by lying to us with a ridiculous front name for their kid.
It would make for a refreshing celebrity news story -- and, ironically, would probably gain that celebrity even more attention. If Angelina Jolie has another kid, well, that's old hat at this point. But you could see the headline ANGELINA JOLIE NAMES 15TH CHILD FRED getting front-page attention.
It's unlikely, of course. Rather, expect more "names" like Denim (Toni Braxton), Zuma (Gwen Stefani) and Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee). Meanwhile, I hope Mariah Carey and her husband, Nick Cannon, are enjoying little Fred and Anne very much.
- A Smashing Time That Was Good for Some
- Boy, Do We Like to Watch
- Please Don't Feed the Twins
- Parenting: Don't Think. It Can Only Hurt the Team
- Regrets. People Should Have a Few
- What I'll Miss About Bachelorhood
- Get That Nut Away From My Child!
- For the Love of the English Language
- It's Time to Win One for the Zipper
- Does Whatever a Lousy Title Can
- I Prefer My Preferences
- What Do You Do With a Gift Shop Gift
- Life and Religion
- The Action Pile
- Why I Hate Myself for Going to Starbucks
- Kicking the Bucket List
- The War of the Sandwiches
- In Praise of the Common Cold
- Nobody Wants a Bummer Ending
- The Anti-Social Network
- I Have Been Known to Save Things
- I'm King of the Burger!
- My Kids Have Weird Names, Too
- Get Off My Lawn
- Money for Nothing
- 50 Ways to Beat the Heat
- Things Not to Do Today
- Desire is a Terrible Disease
- Home, Sweet, Wet Home
- Bed-Buggin' Out
- I Want to Like Soccer
- New Jersey is the New Black
- I'm Not Looking Forward to 40
- Charity is Never Easy
- Is There an App for That?
- Paying Taxes is a Blast!
Humor & Funny Stories - Say Hello to Fred and Anne
Article: Copyright © Tribune Media Services