Humor by Greg Schwem
The votes have been (mostly) tabulated, a winner has been declared, the election is over and now it's time for all television networks to get back to doing what they do best:
Developing new reality shows.
It shouldn't be difficult. The hardscrabble, insult-ridden, spare-no-expense-to-make-the-other-candidate-look-like-a-buffoon political campaigns produced plenty of drama on their own. Now it's just a matter of taking the most intriguing characters from the election season and letting them continue their craziness via weekly episodes that force us, the American people, to clutter our DVRs because, let's face it, we love watching a good train wreck.
Here are a few shows slated for development prior to the 2014 midterm elections:
"HERE COMES DONALD BOO HOO"
Starring everybody's favorite billionaire, serial tweeter and sore loser Donald Trump. Each week, from his luxurious Fifth Avenue penthouse apartment, The Donald will offer millions of his own money to charity if newly re-elected president Barack Obama performs a simple task to prove questionable aspects of his background. The first episode features Trump challenging Obama, who "claims" to be an avid basketball player, to sink ten consecutive free throws. All of Trump's outlandish statements will be subtitled for the benefit of viewers who spend the entire show thinking, "WHAT did he just say?"
"ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FLORIDA ELECTION OFFICIAL?"
A competitive yet notoriously slow-paced quiz show featuring a 10-year-old competing against a highly trained election supervisor in Palm Beach, Broward or Dade counties. The first question is relatively easy:
The average wait time to cast a ballot in Florida is:
A) 10 minutes
B) 20 minutes
C) Eight hours
Like any quiz show, the questions get progressively more difficult. . .
When casting a Florida ballot for a candidate, the "X" should go:
A) Next to the candidate's name
B) Next to the opposing candidate's name
C) Just put it anywhere and leave it to election officials to determine your choice
D) None of the above, since I never made it inside to vote
If both contestants are tied at the end of regulation play, a "Big Brain" question determines the winner. . .
Florida has how many electoral votes?
B) 3 billion
C) Depends on whether the race is still up for grabs
A behind the scenes look at
"STAYING UP LATE WITH DIANE SAWYER"
Airing at midnight in most major television markets, hilarity ensues as the veteran news anchor gives a rundown of the day's top news stories and interviews newsmakers with difficult to pronounce names. The first guest is Linwood, N.J., Mayor Richard DePamphilis III. Sponsored by Kendall Jackson Chardonnay.
"THE X FACTOR"
A Syfy channel show that explores how a single incident or off the cuff remark can change the course of an election. The show goes a step further, creating "what if" scenarios and discussing whether history would have been altered if the "X" factor had never existed. Upcoming episodes include, "What if Oct. 29 was bright and sunny along the Jersey Shore?" "What if cellphone cameras weren't allowed whenever Mitt Romney spoke privately with campaign donors?" -- and, just for fun, "What if a congressional term only lasted 72 hours?"
"POLITICAL PARTY SWAP"
For 24 hours, Republicans and Democrats swap party affiliations and vote on important policy matters. Don't miss Rep. John Boehner arguing passionately for higher taxes, Rep. Paul Ryan filibustering in favor of Planned Parenthood and Ohio Democratic Sen. Sherrod Brown loudly stating on the
Politicians head to Vegas and desperately try and get rid of wasteful programs before America falls off the fiscal cliff
Humorist Greg Schwem is a stand-up comedian and author of Text Me If You're Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad
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Humor & Funny Stories - 'Here Comes Donald Boo Hoo' and Other Post-Election Reality Shows - Greg Schwem Humor
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