Humor by Mark Bazer

Dear Mark: Thank you for purchasing your ticket(s) to "Resident Evil: Afterlife" for Monday, Sept. 20, 2010. Your confirmation number is 542HJLD7. You can pick up the ticket(s) at the theater box office. Please remember to bring your credit card ending in 2764. -- Your friends at

Dear Mark: Just a friendly reminder that there are only two days remaining until your screening of "Resident Evil: Afterlife." Do you need to rent a car to get to the theater or buy pants to wear while you're there? Check out exclusive deals from our partners at our website. -- Your friends at

Dear Mark: Tonight's the big night! We hope you enjoy your ticket(s) to "Resident Evil: Afterlife." We have heard great things. For tips on how to best enjoy "Resident Evil: Afterlife" and to chat with other people who are seeing this and other movies, please visit our website. -- Your friends at

Dear Mark: "Resident Evil: Afterlife" is moments away. We hope you found a comfortable seat and that the person in front of you isn't tall. Remember when the ushers used to collect money for the Will Rogers Institute before the movie? We do. Anyhow, just wanted to say hi. Don't forget to put on your 3-D glasses! -- Your friends at

Dear Mark: If our calculations are correct, you're currently enjoying previews before "Resident Evil: Afterlife." We can't quite make you out from our vantage point, but we are concerned you're not enjoying popcorn and/or other snacks from the theater concession stand. There is still time to purchase them before "Resident Evil: Afterlife" begins. -- Your friends at

Dear Mark: We have been told the concession-stand lines have been quite long, because Robbie didn't show up for work. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you while purchasing popcorn and/or other snacks. If you missed the first scene, visit our website for a summary of the scene as well as reviews of it from the nation's top critics. -- Your friends at

Dear Mark: Holy &%*# this movie is scary! -- Your friends at

Dear Mark: We hope you are currently enjoying "Resident Evil: Afterlife," and we thank you again for purchasing your ticket(s). Did you know there are other movies playing right now? Take a break from the film to log on to our website to purchase ticket(s) to other great movies, view previews and sign up to receive additional e-mails. -- Your friends at

Dear Mark: We have some sad news. There are only 15 minutes left in "Resident Evil: Afterlife." Savor this time. -- Your friends at

Dear Mark: It's been three days since you saw "Resident Evil: Afterlife." What did you think about it? Share your thoughts on our website! -- Your friends at P.S.: Please don't share your thoughts on "Resident Evil: Afterlife" with anyone else.

Dear Mark: It's now been FIVE days since you saw "Resident Evil: Afterlife." What did you think about it? Share your thoughts on our website. -- Your friends at P.S: It's OK if you've already shared your thoughts elsewhere.

Dear Mark: You don't call. You don't write. WHAT IS GOING ON? We sell you ticket(s) to "Resident Evil: Afterlife." Then, we offer you all kinds of deals, introduce you to fellow movie lovers, welcome you into our community. We give, give, give. And what do we receive from you? Silence. It's a two-way street, pal -- one we may, um, close for construction so you can't ride on it!

Dear Mark: We're deeply sorry for our last e-mail. We were out of line. Also, if you enjoyed "Resident Evil: Afterlife" in 3-D, you may also enjoy the upcoming 3-D movie "Yogi Bear." You can purchase your ticket(s) at our website. -- Your friends at

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