I am Now an Ordained Minister

Humor by Michael Showalter

I recently had the great honor of performing a wedding ceremony for my good friend Bob and his now-wife, then-fiancee Jane.

(I should note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Or to put it another way, his name's not Bob and her name's not Jane. That said, Bob and Jane are fine names. The last thing I want here is to offend the Bobs and the Janes of the world. There's nothing wrong with the names Bob or Jane. Quite the opposite, Bob and Jane are fantastic names which is why chose them.)

But I digress.

To perform said wedding ceremony, yours truly had to become a legally certified "wedding officiant" in the state of New York. This was no easy task and I am happy to report that I did in fact receive said certification after some rigorous theological training and lots of paperwork. This rigorous training came in the form of me going online for approximately six minutes and obtaining my ordination from a reputable website for an undisclosed sum of money -- hint: it's cheaper to get ordained than it is to buy a DVD box set of the TV show "Baywatch" -- and the paperwork came in the form of . . . paperwork.

In exchange for my training, my money that I gave them and my signing my name to stuff, I am now the proud recipient of a plastic card that reads, "Michael Showalter, Ordained Minister of The Universal Church of Everywhere & Everybody." (I should note that the name of the church for which I now am a minister of has been changed to protect it from . . . me.)

Point being, I'm an ordained minister now! I have no idea what that means other than that I have a card that says it's so, and that I can legally perform wedding ceremonies in the state of New York now -- but moreover, it's really, really cool. I should also mention that when I received my ordination, I chose the "Golden Package" which included not only the card, but also a bumper sticker, a T-shirt, a puffy finger, a mug, a hat and a keychain. All bearing my name and the words, "Ordained Minister."

To repeat: I am an Ordained Minister.

And not just any old garden-variety minister. No, sir. I'm the "ordained" kind. I don't even know what the word "ordained" means and yet I'm FULLY ordained. Not "semi," "sort of" or "kind of" ordained, mind you -- no, I'm of the "fully" ordained variety of being ordained. Again, this is not a slight on any of my "Kind of Ordained Minister" friends. It's just that I am fully ordained and I have a puffy finger, a mug and a keychain to prove it -- not to mention a bumper sticker and a card.

Or, to put another way, you are now reading the written words of an ordained minister. That's right: These words that you are reading right now are being written by the fingers of a fully certified practicing minister of the Universal Church of Everywhere & Everybody.

"Frog. Boat. Muffin." These three words were just written by an ordained minister. "Oatmeal. Nose plug. Flip-flops." Ordained minister wrote that. "Poopybutt. Flubberdoodle. Terducken." I could and will go on. "Barns. Pot stickers. Pea soup." Ordained minister's words all.

But I digress.

Can you imagine the fun that I have had introducing myself at parties lately? "Hello, I'm Ordained Minister Michael. Nice to meet you. Have a wedding you need performed?" "What do I do, you ask? Oh, I'm a practicing Minister at The Universal Church of Everywhere & Everybody. I've got this card to prove it! You should come hear my sermon next week. I'll be giving part one of my five-part oratory about 'How Awesome it is That I'm an Ordained Minister.'"

What's interesting is that I am getting married myself next year. I'm wondering if I should not only get married myself but actually literally marry myself. "Do you yourself take this woman..."

But I digress.

Michael Showalter is the guy behind the hit comedy film "Wet Hot American Summer," as well as "The Michael Showalter Showalter" and numerous comedy productions.

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