Humor by Mark Bazer

The E-Mails of Spring

Hi, honey! Dad tells me you're trying to plan a summer vacation. You deserve it! We're sure we don't need to remind you, but as we mentioned last Memorial Day weekend, we're visiting this Memorial Day weekend. Before we arrive, could you ask the Internet to make a map of the mattress stores near your home with sales that weekend? We've worn out ours! And you have lower sales tax! Love, Mom


Hey nephew! We're looking forward to seeing you the weekend of June 5-6 for Jacob's graduation. I know you set aside a weekend each of the last two years for it. But (fingers crossed!) everyone is pretty sure it's going to happen this year. If not, we promise this time to let you know before the ceremony. Cheers, Uncle Dave


Dude, what's up? I'm coming to town in June. It's either the weekend of the 12th or the 19th. I'll remember which the day before my flight. Assuming I can crash at your place? -- Doug


Honey, it's Mom again. Just a heads-up that the weekend of June 26 I've scheduled back surgery for your father -- I'm pretty sure he'll need it after carrying the new mattress upstairs. So, he'll be recovering and need company! Keep that weekend open, will you, hon? -- Love, Mom


Babe, Todd called. He's visiting July 4th weekend. Don't freak out, OK? It's been 15 years since he and I dated. He just wants to be fireworks with me. Kisses, G.


Babe! That was a typo! Todd wants to SEE fireworks with me, not there to BE fireworks with me. Anyhow, I love you soooo much. -- G.

P.S: He's only staying for two days. Then he's driving to NYC but may stay with us July 10-11 on his way back.


Dear Sir. We are e-mailing to confirm your colonoscopy for Saturday, July 17, at 9 a.m. Please see the attached, which provides details on at-home preparation for the procedure.


Dear Great-Great-Grandson,

Hello, my boy. I wanted to let you know that I spoke with my doctor and he gives me two months to live. I can't complain; it's been a good 137 years. Assuming he's correct, my funeral will be July 24. Hope you can attend.

Love, "Triple Gramps"

P.S: Better keep the following weekend free, too, in case I hang on a little extra.



Molly and Steve are going on a two-week Alaskan cruise in August. We should do that sometime! Anyhow, I told them we'd take care of Bandit. It's Aug. 6 to Aug. 18. (He's shorthaired so I don't think you'll be allergic.) Kisses. G.


Hello, Friends,

While we aren't Jewish, we were so inspired by another non-Jew, Sandra Bullock, and her decision to give her baby a bris, that we are following her lead. We know Charles is 3 1/2 now, but we're assured he'll be fine. So, please join us at Kabbalah World for "Bagels & Bris" Sunday, Aug. 22 at 10:30 a.m.! -- Trevor and Sandy.


Hey Bro,

I got you a ticket for the NKOB (New Kids on the Block!) concert on Saturday, Aug. 28th! It's going to be a riot! Hangin' tough, Sis


Son, I thought Mom meant Labor Day, not Memorial Day weekend. So, I booked a flight and now we're coming BOTH weekends. We arrive Friday, Sept. 3, and leave super early on Labor Day (cheaper flight). Can't wait! -- Dad


Hello. This e-mail confirms the ticket(s) issued for your "San Francisco 09/06/10" trip.

TWA, #1827

Departure (ORD): Sept. 6, 2010, 3:00 PM CST

Arrival (SFO) Sept. 6, 2010, 5:00 PM PST

Return Flight:

Pan Am, #729

Departure (SFO): Sept 6, 2010: 5:05 PM PST

Arrival (ORD): Sept. 6, 2010, 11:59 PM, CST

Thank you for choosing Orbitzpedialocity. Enjoy your trip!


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