Humor by Dave Barry
Every year, as we enter wedding season, I go to the bookstore and pick up a bridal magazine. Then I crumple to the floor with lower-back spasms, because during wedding season, bridal magazines achieve roughly the same mass as Kirstie Alley. They have hundreds of pages of advertisements and articles designed to help the bride, as she gets ready for her Special Day, go completely insane.
She can't help it. Your modern American wedding is more complex, in terms of logistics, than a lunar landing. For one thing,
And they are! Truly! Endless! Which is why tonight, while you're snoring the snore of the carefree, some stressed-out bride-to-be, who had once hoped (the fool!) to get by with mixed nuts in a cup, will be staring at her bedroom ceiling, asking herself: "Tiny tins? Gossamer bags? Personalized ribbon?
At dawn, she's still struggling to make this decision so she can get on with the other 158,000 critical bridal decisions--decisions she must make by herself, because she stopped talking to her mother weeks ago, following a bitter argument about the cake frosting. The bride, alone, must decide on her dress, shoes, flowers, invitations, place cards, caterer, photographer and all the other wedding elements that must be perfect or her Special Day will be RUINED, RUINED, RUINED.
And don't tell me that the groom can help. Please. The groom is useless. Statistically speaking, something like 92 percent of all grooms are male. If you let males plan weddings, you're going to wind up with Skee Ball at the reception.
No, the groom dropped out of the picture minutes after he proposed. For all the bride knows, he's been kidnapped by aliens. It does not matter. The bride must plunge grimly ahead, making decision after decision, day after stressful day, night after sleepless night, until she has, at most, two remaining marbles.
Unfortunately, the bride reaches this state just as she is turning her attention to the most abused victim group in America: bridesmaids. If you wonder why you see so many weddings where the bridesmaids are unrecognizable, the answer is that these poor women were following the fashion orders of a crazed bride who wants all her bridesmaids, regardless of physical type, to have exactly the same "look," because otherwise her Special Day would be RUINED, RUINED, RUINED.
A few years ago, my wife was a bridesmaid; the bride was the sweetest, most thoughtful person we know. But she insisted that all her bridesmaids get a certain hairdo, which meant that my wife emerged from the beauty salon with this foot-high THING on her head formed by (1) her hair; (2) a substance that appeared to be either very strong hairspray or
Can anything be done to halt this craziness? Yes. Alert reader Lori Rispoli has come up with a brilliant solution:
"Have you ever wondered," she writes, "why it takes a bride months and months to plan a wedding, but a good funeral can be pulled together in two days? The elements are all the same--church, minister, music, flowers, guests, food."
Lori is absolutely right. What we need is a law prohibiting brides from planning their weddings more than, say, a week in advance. A bride caught violating this law would be subject to severe punishment, such as being forced to walk down the aisle to the tune of "I Shot the Sheriff."
Wouldn't that be great? Brides--and their loved ones--would be spared months of insanity. Weddings would be simpler, cheaper and more relaxed. Everybody would win! Except, of course, the people who put out the bridal magazines. They'd have to find something useful to do. But I'm sure they'll have no trouble. The choices are truly endless.
This column was originally published March 2, 2003.
- A Smashing Time That Was Good for Some
- Boy, Do We Like to Watch
- Please Don't Feed the Twins
- Parenting: Don't Think. It Can Only Hurt the Team
- Regrets. People Should Have a Few
- What I'll Miss About Bachelorhood
- Get That Nut Away From My Child!
- For the Love of the English Language
- It's Time to Win One for the Zipper
- Does Whatever a Lousy Title Can
- I Prefer My Preferences
- What Do You Do With a Gift Shop Gift
- Life and Religion
- The Action Pile
- Why I Hate Myself for Going to Starbucks
- Kicking the Bucket List
- The War of the Sandwiches
- In Praise of the Common Cold
- Nobody Wants a Bummer Ending
- The Anti-Social Network
- I Have Been Known to Save Things
- I'm King of the Burger!
- My Kids Have Weird Names, Too
- Get Off My Lawn
- Money for Nothing
- 50 Ways to Beat the Heat
- Things Not to Do Today
- Desire is a Terrible Disease
- Home, Sweet, Wet Home
- Bed-Buggin' Out
- I Want to Like Soccer
- New Jersey is the New Black
- I'm Not Looking Forward to 40
- Charity is Never Easy
- Is There an App for That?
- Paying Taxes is a Blast!
Humor & Funny Stories - Bride As Frankenstein By Dave Barry
Article: Copyright © Tribune Media Services