Here's what happens every time a celebrity has a baby. The birth is announced, but details are lacking. Name? Gender? Father? We don't yet know, but joy floods our hearts.

What a wonderful gift for such a deserving famous person! And what a potentially wonderful gift for us should years from now this child grow up to have entertaining problems!

But then the investigative reporters at Us Weekly dig deep and reveal the name. And it's always something ridiculous like Apple or Bronx Mowgli or, the latest, Monroe and Moroccan (courtesy of Mariah Carey) or Bear Blu (courtesy of Alicia Silverstone). Our joy quickly turns to revulsion.

Who does she think she is? What the heck was wrong with all the names we all had already agreed upon were names? And how could she do that to her child?

We worry (because we are such caring people) that this child will be teased mercilessly at school -- until we realize he or she will attend the same elite private school as Bronx and Apple and ...

And then a few days later we forget this baby exists, and a few days after that so do the celebrity parents.

But here's the thing: I'm convinced it's all a ruse. I don't believe for a second there is actually a baby out there named Moroccan or Bear. Alicia Silverstone seems too sensible to name a kid Bear, and Mariah Carey wouldn't know how to spell Moroccan.

These names and all the other absurd ones -- Kal-El (Nic Cage), Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow), Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson), etc. -- must be just the "front names" that the celebrities and the gossip industry have agreed upon to sell magazines, get people talking about them and maybe even shield their babies from the spotlight.

Instead, I believe Mariah Carey's and Alicia Silverstone's boys are both named Fred. I believe that the baby boys of all celebrity parents are named Fred. And the baby girls all are named Anne.

I won't hear any argument on this, though I am willing to concede that on rare occasion a celebrity will name her boy Anne or her girl Fred.

One of these days, though, I'd like a celebrity to be honest with us -- and not beg for attention by lying to us with a ridiculous front name for their kid.

It would make for a refreshing celebrity news story -- and, ironically, would probably gain that celebrity even more attention. If Angelina Jolie has another kid, well, that's old hat at this point. But you could see the headline ANGELINA JOLIE NAMES 15TH CHILD FRED getting front-page attention.

It's unlikely, of course. Rather, expect more "names" like Denim (Toni Braxton), Zuma (Gwen Stefani) and Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee). Meanwhile, I hope Mariah Carey and her husband, Nick Cannon, are enjoying little Fred and Anne very much.

 

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(c) 2011 Mark Bazer. Distributed by Tribune Media Services