"Vampire Academy" Movie Review: 2 Stars
by Michael Phillips
The various young blood suckers of "Vampire Academy" belong to warring clans, with a royal family, "guardians" of those royals, silver daggers they use to kill each other and varying degrees of sensitivity to the harsh light of day.
And just in case there's still confusion: "They don't sparkle either."
It's a self-aware horror/action comedy, first in a possible franchise (sigh) based on
Jokes? They bought those in bulk. Line after somewhat amusing line, most of them delivered in a near-slurred blur by the snarky half-human novice guardian Rose, played by "Ringer" alumna
Rose is guarding Lissa (
Rose and Lissa have been on the run from school, but St. Vladimir's finally nabs them and brings them back...
Wait, "Saint" Vladimir?
That's right. Mead's books have student vampires learning of their patron saint, hearing Eastern Orthodox-ish sermons in chapel, in between the usual instances of high school hazing, mean girl-ing and make-out sessions. And managing one's magic.
Tedious as all this vampire exposition is (and there's a lot), the jokey tone here is much appreciated, with everyone "a few corpuscles shy of an artery" and the action as predictable as "a porcupine in a hot tub."
Deutch tends to rush her lines, but a leggy, sitcom-trained 18-year-old is what the role called for -- the sort of girl who can make an "Ewww" face after handing the princess a tissue to wipe off blood from a "feeder," a human vampire fan who submits to the occasional neck-suck to keep the pale ones in the pink.
Sexy, PG-13 sassy, flip and funnier than it has a right to be, written by
MPAA rating: PG-13 (for violence, bloody images, sexual content and language) Running time: 1:38.
"Vampire Academy" Movie Trailer
"Vampire Academy" features Zoey Deutch, Lucy Fry, Danila Koziovsky, Gabriel Byrne, Sarah Hyland, and Joely Richardson. This is a film about vampires and the star character- a half vampire and half human