Florida Governor Takes Deep Dive into Climate Change
by Carl Hiaasen
Rejected first draft of Gov.
My fellow Floridians, as you've all probably heard, a new National Climate Assessment report says that
Let me assure you there's absolutely no reason for worry. I still don't believe climate change is real, and you shouldn't, either.
Don't be impressed just because 240 "experts" contributed to this melodramatic report. The tea party has experts, too, and they assure me it's all hogwash.
Even if the atmosphere is warming (and, whoa, I'm not saying it is!), I still haven't seen a speck of solid evidence that it has anything do with man spewing millions of tons of gaseous pollutants into the sky.
Is the planet a hotter place than it was 200 years ago? Yes, but only by a couple of degrees. Did most of the temperature rise occur since 1970? Yes, but don't blame coal-burning plants or auto emissions.
Maybe the sun is getting closer to the Earth. Ever think of that? Or the Earth is moving closer to the sun? Let's get some brainiacs to investigate that possibility!
As long as I'm the governor,
In fact, soon after I took office we repealed the state's Climate Protection Act and eliminated the
I also ordered the
Yet the subject just won't go away. That's because the liberal media keep trying to scare everybody.
Say the polar ice caps really are melting, and sea levels really did rise 8 inches during the last 130 years. Who says there has to be a scientific explanation? Maybe God's just messing around with us for a few centuries.
I myself own a big home in
Of course not (although I'm grateful to the Koch brothers for offering to let me stay with them in Wichita during the next hurricane).
And, please, enough griping already about
So let's pull together to remind the rest of America, and the whole world, that most of
Newcomers who might be queasy about purchasing waterfront property in South Beach or
Let's get out the word that it could be hundreds of years before
If you really want to play it safe, try beautiful
To concerned residents of greater
Open a paddleboard shop, people. Or an airboat taxi service.
Why not turn a negative situation into a positive opportunity? One person's sinkhole is another person's cave-spelunking franchise.
Available at Amazon.com: The Divide: American Injustice in the Age of the Wealth Gap
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"Florida Governor Takes Deep Dive into Climate Change "