Facial Hair to Attract the Girl of Your Dreams
Look, we don’t want to stereotype, but ever notice how certain lady types tend to go for certain guy types? Sure, you already know they’re assessing your God-given attractiveness, career choice, wealth aptitude, tattoo-titudes and Avatar action figure collection. But are you also aware that they're judging you by your facial hair choices? The trick is to groom your facial hair to attract the girl you want.
Below, we present six lady archetypes and the kind of facial hair they’re likely to go for. Just don’t do any major shaves on date night: You don’t want a tan line around where the spot your face fur used to be.
The Biker Chick
She’s into: Motorcycles and classic rock (like Motorhead), and loves the WWE.
You grow: A Fu Manchu -- that’s a ’stache shaped like a horseshoe, named after an evil genius movie character in the 1930s (current wearers include Hulk Hogan). Add large sideburns or lamb chops for a more extreme effect.
Possible hairy situation: While you can let the ends grow past your chin or curl up off your face (turning into a handlebar mustache), never, ever let the hair above your upper lip grow to the point you can grasp it with your bottom teeth. Eww.
She’s into: Smart. You’ve seen her with guys obviously destined for professor-hood.
You grow: … take a deep breath … a beard.
Possible hairy situation: While it gives the impression you’re too busy finishing your dissertation to shave, take a second careful look to ensure symmetry and a lack of errant hairs.
The Cool Chick
She’s into: Retro. Or hipster. Her style says, “I’m original and I like original.”
You grow: Either a pencil mustache (think Rhett Butler or Gomez Adams) or a caterpillar, a slightly thicker version. She’ll make a beeline to you at the coffee shop to comment on your “courage” faster than you can say “latte with skim milk.”
Possible hairy situation: Brace yourself for teasing from friends. Also: If you get carried away with trimming the sides, you’ll end up with a “Charlie Chaplin” (also called a “toothbrush” or “Hitler”).
The Goth Girl
She’s into: Black hair, black clothes …
You grow: “The Satan,” (aka “The Magician”), a mini-handlebar and goatee combo shaped into a V. Note: the darker your hair, the better.
Possible hairy situation: If you’re tempted to include arched eyebrows (a la David Navarro) into the mix, go to a professional so you don’t end up with Boy George brows.
The Free Spirit
She’s into: … different. Just a tad. The guys you see her with are never clean-shaven. She likes subtle pizzazz.
You grow: A small facial hair commitment just to catch her eye -- think soul patch, chin patch or petit goatee. If time is of the essence, consider shaping your sideburns into Vulcan-like points.
Possible hairy situation: If you do go Vulcan, resist the temptation to sign off with “live long and prosper” or hail your friends with the requisite three-toed sloth hand signal.
The Corporate Gal
She’s into: … smooth -- as a baby’s butt. Keep it simple, stupid. Shave in the a.m., and gosh darn it, maybe even a second time in the p.m. just to drive home the point.
You grow: Nothing. Sure there’s a hint of 5 o’clock shadow (on weekends). But otherwise, you are one human-resources-guidelines-following mofo.
Possible hairy situation: You’re late and your razor went by way of your lost luggage at the airport. Basically, you look like you pulled an all-nighter. Don’t bother pretending that the look was deliberate. She’s with the corporation, remember, and they don’t like padded truths or expense reports.
Belisa Vranich is a clinical psychologist, author and public speaker specializing in relationships and sex. She is also the sexpert at Fox News (both online and on cable).
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