A time-honored tradition in the Schwem household involves gathering around the television during the closing minutes of the Macy's
This year Santa arrived at
No, this was not due to an oversight by parade organizers. After 85 years of lining up participants, a task that, judging by the parade's length, begins somewhere in
Don't you see what you are doing? The pause button simply gives women a tool to keep men waiting. This is precisely what happened on
"Let's shoot for 12:30," my wife said.
"Santa's just about here," I called upstairs.
"PAUSE IT!" yelled three voices in unison.
Outnumbered as always, I gave in to technology and bought my wife and daughters as much time as they darn well pleased. Much like a turkey, I was left to stew, alone, in my own juices. Eventually all three sauntered downstairs in
"Ready," one daughter said.
"Santa's probably back at the
My younger daughter, 9 years old and still a "believer," picked up the remote and hit the hated pause button.
"He's right there, Dad," she gestured at the TV. "Hi, Santa!"
"Hope he brings you everything you want this year," my wife chimed in.
"How about a clock for starters," I mumbled.
"Hush, Scrooge," came the reply.
My greatest fear is that pausing live television is only the beginning. In a few years, it's entirely possible that a cinema full of men will be staring at frozen images of actors on screen while a lone woman remains at home, changing outfits. What about theater? Ladies, just contact a female usher during that
Girls, when you attend a live sporting event, ever notice that men only visit restrooms during halftime and timeouts? That's because we know there is no pause button. We have been trained to live in the present, as opposed to altering the present to suit our needs. Please, please, can't you see our ways and at least TRY to be ready on time?
Alas, I'm afraid my request will fall on deaf ears. The pause feature is as commonplace on televisions these days as the on/off button. Television manufacturers have moved on to even cooler features including surround sound and 3-D capability. I'll take odds that, in a few years, one press of a button will cause the entire cast of "Modern Family" to leap from the TV and finish the episode live in my living room.
Of course, I will be the only family member watching. The rest will be upstairs, looking for shoes and yelling, "Pause it, pause it!"
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