It Pays to Advertise

Humor by Michael Showalter

I was coming into my building the other day and I saw a flier taped to the wall next to the elevator. It read:

MOVING SALE!

Sofa Bed $50

Baby Bjorn Potty $5

Breast Pump (like new) $50

Ceiling Fan $40

I really think it bears repeating: Breast Pump (like new) $50

I may be alone here, but my feeling is that with such things, there's really no such thing as "like new." Right? It's either new or it's not. I mean, you'd never put this sign up in your lobby:

Turkey Sandwich (like new) $7

Jockstrap (like new) $12

Cat Litter (like new) $8

Look, if I bought a car, drove it around the block, and then decided to resell it, then I think I could say, in fairness, that it was "like new." But a breast pump? Like new?

Notice she didn't tell us that the Baby Bjorn Potty was "like new." Did she? All she said about the Baby Bjorn Potty was that she wanted five bucks for it. Judging by that price, I'd say it's hardly new at all. I'd say that Baby Bjorn Potty has some serious wear and tear on it. If she were being more consistent with her advertising, she'd have written:

Breast Pump (like new) $50

Baby Bjorn Potty (heavily pooped in) $5

I guess I feel like if you're trying to sell a baby toilet for five bucks, maybe you should just do everyone a favor and throw it away. In fact, I'll give you the five bucks if you'll throw it away!

But back to the pump. Maybe she only used it sporadically. Well, even if that's true, I'm not buying it: literally and figuratively. Ultimately, it's all about salesmanship. Like, I think this would have been a much more appealing pitch:

Really Great Breast Pump!!!! $50

You see, by saying that, she's vouching for its greatness without forcing us to contemplate how she knows.

Or how about this?

Vintage Breast Pump $50

People love vintage stuff! Vintage stuff is classy! Heck, I might buy it myself just because it's vintage. Who knows? It could be worth something! I could go on "Antiques Roadshow" and get it appraised. Maybe it's a real find and is worth, like . . . a million dollars!

Or, how about this?

Retro Breast Pump $50

Retro is super hip. Just think about it: You could sell the device and be a trendsetter at the same time!

Look, I'll be honest about why I'm writing this. I think it's just that I'm a dude and I really wanted an excuse to refer to that particular sale item. I didn't have a whole lot to say about the ceiling fan or the sofa bed, did I?

Michael Showalter is the guy behind the hit comedy film "Wet Hot American Summer," as well as "The Michael Showalter Showalter" and numerous comedy productions

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