United We Don't Stand

Humor by Jen Lancaster

As a nation, we're divided in almost every respect. Our citizens never hesitate to take sides against one another, whether it's Democrats versus Republicans, Coke drinkers opposed to Pepsi enthusiasts or Yankee loyalists against Red Sox aficionados.

We all know exactly what we love and woe is you if you're on the other side. Seriously, how many holiday meals this year were ruined when a guest professed passion for Palin in a Pelosi household? Or vice versa? And that's not to mention the carnage stemming from post-dinner remote-control wars waged between families consisting of both Bears and Packers fans.

When it comes to matters of pro sports, politics or palate, disparate sides claim their party, team and cola to be superior. There's no middle ground or compromise . . . unless maybe you're all willing to settle for an iced tea. (And even that can spark an ugly North/South debate.)

However, I'll bet we as a country can all agree on one thing: that Julian Assange should please stick a cork in his WikiLeaks already.

I mean, there's a reason our leaders have national security-type discussions over diplomatic cable and not via a public Facebook page, so knock it off already, pal. No one wants to friend or follow covert info about Pakistan's nuclear policy.

I imagine this Assange guy fancies himself a modern day Robin Hood or Bond villain, but he's coming off more like Dr. Evil. Instead of wreaking havoc on this nation's leadership with bombs or lasers (or sharks with fricking lasers) he's going to stop them in their tracks with words.

(Side note? Assange just signed a book deal for one miiiiiiiilion dollars. Coincidence? One wonders.)

I guess I don't understand his end game because in every article, Mr. WikiLeaks claims that having access to secret documents will ultimately help the American people. Really? If you're so fired up to help us, dude, why not tell us what we really want to know?

Julian -- we hear you've got your sites on the banking industry, and believe me, no one's sorry to see them skewered. Rampant greed and corruption at the executive level make an interesting bedtime read or action film starring Shia LaBeouf, but what we're dying to find out is why it takes eight damn business days to clear an in-state check. When you get the answer, please tell the bank customer service reps so they'll finally know, too.

Seriously, sir, if you want to win us over, use your massive data-gathering skills to our benefit. Maybe you could crunch all the numbers and figure out an algorithm that reveals when lines are going to be quickest at the DMV. We'd love you for that! I mean, if you can access every snarky comment the Russians made about Hillary Clinton growing out her bangs, surely you could help shorten our wait times.

As long as you're spilling secrets, do us a favor and confirm what we've always suspected, like how the producers of "Lost" never actually planned for the show to run more than two seasons.

Fill us in on which stars lied about having plastic surgery so we can stop speculating that maybe there's just less gravitational pull in the 90210 ZIP code.

Tell us exactly which 11 herbs and spices the Colonel uses, and in what amount. Instead of cursing your name at the dinner table, we'd raise our perfectly seasoned drumsticks in salute

And for the love of all that's good and holy, can you please, please discover why the Kardashians are famous?

If we knew, then maybe as a nation we'd finally be able to stop them.

And that, Mr. Assange, is how you unite a country.

Jen Lancaster is author of Such a Pretty Fat, Pretty in Plaid, Bitter is the New Black and My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict's Attempt to Discover If Not Being A Dumb Ass Is t he New Black; Or, A Culture-Up Manifesto.

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