It's time once again for Keyboard Korner, the computer-advice column that uses simple, "jargon-free" terminology that even an idiot like you can grasp; the column that shows you how to "take command" of your personal computer, if necessary by reducing it to tiny smoking shards with a hatchet.

Today on Keyboard Korner we will address a very important topic: computer security. Cyberspace is a festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as "viruses," "worms," "Trojan horses" and "licensed Microsoft software" that can take over your computer. This is what happened one summer when the "SoBig" virus infected computers around the world, causing millions to be completely cut off from the Internet during a critical phase in the relationship of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.

To prevent a similar tragedy from happening to you, immediately take the following steps:

1. Determine what version of operating system your computer uses, and write this information on a piece of paper. If you don't know how to determine the version, just write "Version 2.038."

2. Now write down the numbers and expiration dates of all your credit cards.

3. Now mail this information, along with your mother's maiden name, to

WARNING WARNING DELETE DELETE

Whoa! That was a close one! A computer virus just tried to take over Keyboard Korner WHILE YOU WERE READING IT. That's how sophisticated these things have become!

To find out how to protect your computer, Keyboard Korner called the Association of Technical Support Personnel Who Actually Understand Computers, where, after a brief wait, we were connected with a knowledgeable and sympathetic recorded message informing us that we would be kept on hold until the sun was a cold dark cinder the size of a walnut.

So we decided to do our own research, and here's what we learned: There is a Nigerian businessman, Mr. John Ombmwlbmle, who has come into possession of $285 million in cash, and he needs to give 35 percent of it to somebody, and out of all the people on the planet Earth, he has chosen Keyboard Korner! All we had to do is send him some banking information and samples of our signature! So pretty soon we will be on "Easy Street" and won't have to write this stupid advice column for you losers, so ha ha ha!

But meanwhile, here are steps you can take to make your computer secure:

1. GET RID OF TEENAGERS

They are a major cause of computer trouble, because they think they're so smart, and they're always messing with things and installing things and downloading disgusting porno filth that they refuse to share with their parents. You should get a program such as Teen-B-Gone, which causes the computer to play, at full volume, a video of Mr. Barry Manilow singing his rousing hit "Copacabana."

2. CHECK FOR INCOMING ELECTRICITY

One factor common to many computer viruses is that, in order to function, they require electricity. Look under your desk; do you see a wire going from the computer to the wall? If so, chances are that this wire is bringing electricity directly into your house from a massive "power grid" that is also connected to prisons, crack houses, porno filth stores, etc. Yank it out. (The wire, we mean.) Then curl into a fetal position under the desk, because there are new computer viruses out there that can travel through the air and bypass your computer entirely and enter your brain via your dental fillings. Keyboard Korner can feel it happening right now.

This column was originally published December 14, 2003.

 

 

Mindless in Mickeytown
Dave Barry

Every year, we return to Orlando, Fla. Instinct makes us do this. We're like the salmon who must swim upstream to spawn and die. They are lucky. We must go to theme parks. A theme park is an amusement park where you pay one blanket admission fee, which is quite steep, but once you're inside, everything is totally free, except all the other stuff you end up buying

Flight 573 Now Boding
Dave Barry

We set out with a sense of foreboding. If you ever feel a boding, and later on something bad happens, that was a foreboding. We were traveling from Miami to Minnesota, a state located near, or possibly inside, Canada. The reason we felt a boding was that we were carrying a live baby, and we had stupidly elected to travel by airplane. I think that, instead of making such a big deal about weapons, the airlines ought to start cracking down on babies

Dakota: Just a Snow Job
Dave Barry

North Dakota is talking about changing its name. I frankly didn't know you could do that. I thought states' names were decreed by the Bible or something. In fact, as a child, I believed that when Columbus arrived in North America, the states' names were actually, physically, written on the continent, in gigantic letters, the way they are on maps.

For More Dave Barry Classics Click Here

 

(c) 2009 The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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