Humor by Dave Barry
We continue to see an alarming decline in the quality of our nation's criminals.
Consider the man who tried to rob a mini-mart in Vernon, Conn., as reported in a Journal Inquirer story sent in by alert reader Dan Thompson. The robber elected to wear a disguise, which was a good idea, since he was a regular customer of the store. The problem was the particular disguise he picked. Shaving cream.
Yes. According to police, the man walked into the store with his face lathered in shaving cream, apparently believing that this made him unrecognizable. Of course, the only place where that disguise would work is Metropolis, the city where Superman lives. The citizens there are so stupid that, in 50 years, they have not figured out that Clark Kent is actually Superman wearing eyeglasses. They would be totally baffled by shaving cream.
But getting back to the attempted robbery in Vernon: Despite the disguise, the store owners instantly recognized the shaving-cream bandit, who ran away and was later captured by the police. The story does not say whether he tried to make himself invisible by putting his hands over his eyes, but we would not be surprised.
Another example of a criminal not being the sharpest quill on the porcupine was reported in an
Our point is that the nation's criminals are becoming so incompetent that pretty soon they will need some kind of federal subsidy to stay in business. But this does not mean that we citizens should not be vigilant. For an excellent example of citizen vigilance, we turn to an amazing story from the Oklahoma City, Okla., Oklahoman (motto: "Located in Oklahoma").
This story, written by Ryan Mcneill and sent in by alert legal attorney Jim Webb, describes a crime spree by a man who robbed three businesses by threatening cashiers with an ax. The third business was a
ROBBER: Hand over the money!
CASHIER: Wait! Did you steal that ax here?
ROBBER: No! I had it when I came in!
CASHIER: Then where is your sticker?
ROBBER: Dang! (He leaves, empty-handed.)
We conclude with the following police-blotter item from the Tomahawk, Wis., Tomahawk Leader, sent in by alert reader Sylvia Linton, which we swear we are not making up:
"An elderly Merrill woman stated that a bear on a bicycle had vandalized her birdfeeder Friday. She suspected that the bear, described as big, had fled from the circus because an ordinary bear could not ride a bicycle so well."
So if you own a birdfeeder, BE ON THE LOOKOUT for a bicycle-riding bear described as "big."
Of course, all bets are off if it gets hold of shaving cream.
This column was originally published December 23, 2001.
Humor & Funny Stories - Not Exactly Razor-Sharp Criminals
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