"Wii Fit" is a Japanese video game designed to get the player moving. Said game topped Christmas lists across the country. Like the rest of the nation, on 12/26 I finished my eggnog, knocked cookie crumbs off my lap and quickly hooked up the console.
OK, that's a lie. I tasked my husband with the setup, which took three hours, a pint of bourbon and more anguished cries of, "Where's a 13-year-old boy when I need one?" than our neighbors were comfortable hearing.
Before I could try bowling or tennis, the game wanted to assess my "Wii Fit" age. I'm not thin, but I'm strong -- plus my balance is such that I can navigate a flight of stairs with a basket of laundry and a stack of
I created a Mii avatar and started playing. I could handle the other smug Miis who gloated every time I went out of bounds and I wasn't disheartened when YOU LOSE flashed across the screen in 900-point font.
The real problem began with the balance board. Upon determining my BMI, my adorable avatar looked as shocked as I did when she swelled
The first "Wii Fit" games I tried were the slalom and ski jumping. I believe my spectacular failures here had more to do with the board resting on thick carpet than my shoddy balance. I grew consistently worse with every run, to the point that my Mii got down on her knees and began pounding her head against the ground. Such was her shame, I'm surprised she didn't whip out a Hanwei sword and off herself samurai-style.
Deciding I wasn't making the cut for the 2014 Sochi games any time soon, I switched to the board's fitness test. That's when the machine really got vicious. In getting a feel for the sensitive calibration, I biffed so many exercises that "Wii Fit" noted "balance wasn't my thing" and suggested maybe I'd "enjoy some nice memory games." These unsuccessful tests prompted responses such as "Are you forgetful?" and "Do you normally have trouble concentrating?" Too bad "Wii Fit" wasn't measuring how hard I could kick the TV stand.
The final insult came when I got to Lotus Focus. The goal of this game is to sit still. That's it, just sit. Judging from my four gold stars -- "Wii Fit's" highest honor -- I'm an Olympian at not moving. And that's when I realized that "Wii Fit" is actually Japanese for "You're Fat."
We All Begin the Season in First Place
My retired parents are spending their first winter in Florida so my dad can have another place to complain about, and last week my wife and 4-year-old son and I invaded their cranky peace for five days. In between it all, my dad and I took my son to a Florida Marlins spring-training game in a noble effort to pass along the national pastime to a new generation
Suggestions for New Events at Next Winter Olympics
The Vancouver Olympics are over and it's time to look ahead to Russia 2014. Considering the record snowfall many of us have had to put up with this year, I think the Olympics Committee should consider some new events
So, what should you do if you see a celebrity and don't have a highly paid lawyer for a wingman? Just use my checklist before attempting conversation with the well-known.
Three Seasons...Not Four!
Of all the seasons, I like spring the least. Spring doesn't start for a couple of weeks, but I thought I'd get a jump on explaining my dislike. I like summer, I like fall and winter, but I've never cared much for spring, especially early spring.
(c) 2010 Jen Lancaster