Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

"Transformers: Dark of the Moon," a work of ineffable soullessness and persistent moral idiocy, concludes with Chicago taking it in the shorts for 50-odd minutes, at the hands of the Decepticons in an alien takeover scored, partially, by an emo-ballad mourning the "cataclysm" of it all.

In the original Greek, "cataclysm" means to "wash down," as in swill. Another side note: Monday's Chicago press screening of the third "Transformers" picture was delayed by 20 minutes because, as the AMC River East spokesman explained to the crowd, the auditorium's digital projector needed time to complete its "ingesting" of the feature. Well! What goes in must come out. One way or the other.

In the third "Transformers," we learn via Ehren Kruger's screenplay that the NASA space program was a massive cover-up, allowing the crew of Apollo 11, among others, to explore the alien metal ruins on the moon's hidden dark side. We learn also that Shia LaBeouf's screaming intensity knows no human limits. He acts like a twisted, hyper-caffeinated rageaholic even when he's not confronting the enemy robots on Wacker Drive and environs. He acts this way simply when he's nervous about his new girlfriend, played by Victoria's Secret undies model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, spending time with her boss (Patrick Dempsey), whose office is played by the lovely and talented Santiago Calatrava-designed Milwaukee Art Museum.

The Autobot robots from space, our pals, beat up on the Decepticons pretty hard in the Chicago climax. Rockets and other weapons disfigure various downtown buildings, including the Hotel 71, the tippy-top of the Tribune Tower, and, among others, Marina City, which really will have serious water-tightness issues after so much computer-generated damage. The Wrigley Building gets off with just a scratch, thank God. Trump Tower, conspicuously a part of the plot, fares suspiciously well, considering the phrase "Trump Tower," when spoken aloud on screen, sounds ripe for imminent ruination.

For Chicagoans, "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" holds a built-in interest level. It won't be the same for moviegoers in New York or LA, where they're used to seeing their respective metropoli roughed up by interstellar tourists with terrible attitudes. Director Michael Bay, master of the known universe when it comes to soul-crushing blockbusters with insidious worldwide appeal, manages a couple of pleasing, borderline-coherent bits. Notably, there's a scene -- full of queasy visual allusions to the World Trade Center towers and those who didn't make it -- where the nominal humans played by LaBeouf (whose character's personal Autobot bodyguard, Bumblebee, should be agitating for better material by now) and company slide down the glass exterior of a toppling office building. Down, down, down they go, like Leonardo and Kate at the end of "Titanic." The scene keeps going and going, and if Bay had any sense of honest thrill-making, it'd be honestly thrilling. He doesn't. He's merely relentless, working on your nerves in a purely clinical way, without the levitating touch of the dung poet you find, for example, in a Roland Emmerich film such as "2012."

To be sure, the Chicago section of "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is more involving, if only on a spot-the-partially destroyed-landmark level, than everything preceding it. The plot has to do with the grand old man of the Autobot race, Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), returning to life and adjusting to Earth. A showdown ensues between the Deceps and the Autobots, and the planet Cybertron's survival hangs in the balance. Certain weaselly human/robot alliances make matters worse.

The sacred head of the Lincoln statue in the Lincoln Memorial gets shot off by an especially unsympathetic Decep. Director Bay shoots the scene for maximum volume and minimum drama, his pet combination. Elsewhere a supporting character shares a men's room stall with LaBeouf's Sam and minutes later is tossed out the window to his death by a Decep. Bay hasn't a clue how to set the tone for this chain of events. It's funny? It's frightening? It's both? It's neither and both?

John Malkovich appears as Sam's tyrannical boss, who throws a fit because someone brings a red coffee mug onto an office floor decorated entirely in yellow. "It is a visual and therefore a visceral betrayal!" he screams, sounding, cutely, like Michael Bay, if Michael Bay could direct either dialogue or action. I admit to a certain sick fascination with how his brand of cynicism sells. The human element in "Transformers" means little. So does the metallic element. The line between the two grows blurry. Megan Fox, fired after the second "aneurysm-inducing" (LaBeouf's own description) installment in this franchise, has been replaced by Huntington-Whiteley, whose character is introduced in classic Bay fashion: rump first, ask questions later. Nice! The people expect it, just as Bay and company have conditioned the global "Transformers" audience to expect a fiercely reactionary worldview, rife with homophobia, xenophobia and enough drooling over weaponry to rival "Cars 2," to name another 3-D movie currently trying to make 3-D something special again.

"So majestic and peaceful, this planet," Sentinel intones in one brief moment of calm, before getting back to the business of pushing toys. "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" exceeds the low expectations set by the previous outing, "Revenge of the Fallen," if only by a whisker. Both films serve primarily to make the first "Transformers" look like a classic. All three, taken together, which they should never be, appear designed to make your children more addled, volatile -- and, most dangerously -- to make them less discerning consumers of summertime junk. Bay's hammering technique works, in a commercial sense. Executive producer Steven Spielberg is the richer for it. But it's telling to compare any good minute in Spielberg's "War of the Worlds," for example, with any of the 153 minutes in "Dark of the Moon." The former, which isn't even Spielberg at his best, offers the thrill and the uneasy, complicated spectacle of destruction you get from a first-rate entertainer. Bay's endless love of nastiness and chrome and aggression offers less. And that's the only "less" about it.

 

     RSS

 

"Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon" Movie Trailer

 

MPAA rating: PG-13 (for intense prolonged sequences of sci-fi action violence, mayhem and destruction, and for language, some sexuality and innuendo).

Running time: 2:33.

Cast: Shia LaBeouf (Sam Witwicky); Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (Carly Spencer); Patrick Dempsey (Dylan Gould); Josh Duhamel (Lt. Col. Lennox); Tyrese Gibson (Sgt. Epps); John Turturro (Seymour Simmons); Kevin Dunn (Ron Witwicky); Julie White (Judy Witwicky); Frances McDormand (Charlotte Mearing); John Malkovich (Bruce Brazos); Ken Jeong (Jerry Wang).

Credits: Directed by Michael Bay; written by Ehren Kruger; produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura and Ian Bryce. A Paramount Pictures release.

 

more MOVIE REVIEWS ...

Recent Movie Reviews - Films in Theaters

 

The Troll Hunter

The Troll Hunter
Bill Wine

With elements of Jurassic Park, Ghostbusters, and The Blair Witch Project, The Troll Hunter is a merry monster mockumentary that explores the fantastical and embraces the bizarre in matter-of-fact fashion. The title character, a bearded woodsman named Hans, agrees to allow a three-student film crew to accompany him as he investigates a series of mysterious bear killings in the countryside   [Continue ...]

 

Monte Carlo

Monte Carlo
Michael Phillips

Monte Carlo follows Grace (Selena Gomez), a small-town Texas girl who travels to Paris with waitress pal Emma (Katie Cassidy) and third wheel Meg (Leighton Meester). The threesome gets separated from the group after an Eiffel Tower visit, and Grace is mistaken for a British socialite (also played by Gomez), for whom she is a dead ringer. Then it's off to Monte Carlo   [Continue ...]

 

Transformers III

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon
Michael Phillips

In this third installment, we learn that the NASA space program was a cover-up that allowed the crew of Apollo 11 to explore the alien ruins on the dark side of the moon. Sam (Shia LaBeouf) returns with a new girlfriend (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley). And once again, the Autobots (our friends) take on the Decepticons (not our friends), with humanity in the middle   [Continue ...]

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Bill Wine

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is once again. Once again, it's good robots versus bad robots. Once again, it's full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. And once again, unless you can think of nothing more entertaining than watchin' stuff blow up, it's a collective sleeping pill, with Shia LaBeouf saving the world yet again   [Continue ...]

 

Larry Crowne

Larry Crowne
Michael Phillips

This Tom Hanks directed (and co-produced and co-written) rom-com is the neediest movie of the year, and one of the phoniest. Julia Roberts plays a washed-up community college instructor. Tom Hanks plays a washed-up, laid-off divorcee who returns to school and winds up in guess who's class   [Continue ...]

Larry Crowne
Bill Wine

Larry Crowne is a low-keyed recession-era comedy that examines the need for reinventing oneself during challenging times. Tom Hanks plays the upbeat and affable title character, who -- even though he has excelled at, and been acknowledged for, his fine work, but because he doesn't have a college degree -- loses his job at a big-box retailer   [Continue ...]

 

Copyright © 2011 Tribune Media Services, Inc.