Conan the Barbarian

2 Stars

One hundred and 12 minutes of "Aaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhhh!" -- the new 3-D edition of "Conan the Barbarian" was shot in Bulgaria, so really it's "Conan the Bulgarian Barbarian."

And he's a vulgarian, natch, so "Conan the Bulgarian Vulgarian Barbarian" is another option.

Born in the depths of the Depression, the tough-guy-with-the-sword created by Robert E. Howard is best known from the 1982 film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now the role has been conquered by the half-Hawaiian, half-Irish, all-glowering Jason Momoa, lately of HBO's "Game of Thrones." The actor appears to have a sense of humor somewhere in there, behind the glower and the raspy growl. But the movie doesn't really encourage it. It's mostly noise and splurch and, as I mentioned, aaaaarrrrggggghhhhh!

The thesis line spoken by Momoa says it all: "I live. I love. I slay. I am content."

Conan has moved up a notch on the sensitivity ladder since '82, when Schwarzenegger's big line explained his reason for getting up in the morning thusly: "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women." The new Conan may address the comely Tamara (Rachel Nichols, blase even when screaming) once or twice with a "Woman! Come here!" but that's about it.

I should mention something about the world in which "Conan the Barbarian" takes place. For those new to this world, Conan is ripped out of his mother's womb in the midst of a pretty rough battlefield situation. His father (played by Ron Perlman) trains him well. They are Cimmerians, and Conan must save the nations of Hyboria. Tamara comes from a long line of Sorcerers of Acheron, and the blood of Tamara is the key ingredient in activating the dreaded magical Mask of Acheron, coveted by the man who slew Conan's father, the evil Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang, doing the kind of bad acting only a good actor can provide). Mr. Zym, as The New York Times would refer to him, has a half witch, half mean-girl daughter played by Rose McGowan. The film revels in its beheadings and a particularly wince-worthy scene wherein Conan, asserting his barbarous way with a sight gag, sticks his fingers directly inside the nose-hole of the face of an enemy, recently made noseless thanks to Conan's mighty sword. Director Marcus Nispel, responsible for the rebooted "Friday the 13th," delivers digital blood by the liter. I've certainly seen worse movies this summer, though I hope that if director Nispel returns to the land of Hyboria he'll learn that sword fights don't respond well to his chaotic brand of staging, made worse by the editing. If you don't know who's splurching whom, or whose head just came off, why even go to Hyboria this time of year?

 

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"Conan the Barbarian" Movie Trailer

 

MPAA rating: R (for strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity).

Running time: 1:52.

Cast: Jason Momoa (Conan); Rachel Nichols (Tamara); Stephen Lang (Khalar Zym); Rose McGowan (Marique); Said Taghmaoui (Ela-Shan); Leo Howard (Young Conan); Ron Perlman (Corin).

Credits: Directed by Marcus Nispel; written by Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer and Sean Hood, based on Robert E. Howard's character; produced by Fredrik Malmberg, Boaz Davidson, Joe Gatta, Danny Lerner, John Baldecchi, Les Weldon and Henry Winterstern. A Lionsgate release.

 

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