March Madness -- or Not

Humor by Michael Showalter

Alas, March Madness is over. Well, that is, unless you:

1. Consider March Madness to be over when the month of March is actually over (in which case the madness ended before it ended and then kept going for another week).

Or:

2. Have tickets to see Charlie Sheen in concert (in which case the madness may never end. Supposedly he's charging $100 per ticket so that people can watch clips of him?! "And this is my favorite scene from 'Major League' and here I am doing a scene from 'Platoon.'" Come on Charlie! For $100 I can just buy all your movies on DVD!)

The University of Connecticut won its third national championship behind the leadership of their star point gaurd Kemba Walker and head coach Jim Calhoun. This is Calhoun's third national championship, making him, at age 68, the oldest head coach ever to take down the nets. This is an impressive feat, yes. Especially when you consider, judging by the looks of him, that the opposing coach, Butler University's Brad Stevens, isn't even of legal drinking age.

Still, part of me wonders if this is really such a big accomplishment -- winning at that age. Grandma Moses started painting in her seventies! This is age-ism! And, I mean, it's not like Coach Calhoun actually played any minutes. Granted, he stomped around the sidelines, flailed his arms a lot, and probably broke a sweat -- but if he had actually played in the game, maybe taken a charge, blocked a few shots, lead a fast break, then I think I'd have been more impressed.

I think I'm just feeling sour grapes because I was rooting for Butler. This is their second year in a row making it to the big dance and again they came up short. And by short I mean that they played the worst game ever in the history of the tournament. Sorry Butler, but it's true. You guys couldn't hit the side of a barn and by "side of barn" I'm only using a figure of speech but in this particular instance I actually do mean the side of a barn.

It was 40 minutes of total offensive futility. Come to think of it, they probably could have used Jim Calhoun on their team. He may be old, but I hear he's got an impressive set shot. Let's be frank, on Monday night Butler could have probably used Grandma Moses, too. Jeez, why stop there? Put Charlie Sheen on the team, too. That's actually a show that I would pay $100 to see: Grandma Moses, Jim Calhoun and Charlie Sheen playing basketball together.

And it's too bad. Butler was the underdog. They are from a mid-major conference so they don't have the resources or recruiting muscle of these other teams, the major-major, or majorly major conferences. Everyone loves the underdog and I always root for the little guy -- even if the little guy is 6 feet 8 inches tall, weighs over 250 pounds and can do, like, 30 million pushups. Gee, I never thought I'd say that.

If I were Butler, just for the hell of it, I'd ask the NCAA for a "do over." Who knows? If they're in a good mood, they might go for it. It'd be great for ratings and I'm sure U Conn would be happy to oblige. No one wants to win ugly. Right U Conn? No? OK.

Well, here's the good news, Butler: There's always next year! Yep. That's the great thing about March. It happens every year . . . I think.

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