I avoid reading medical studies since they are contradictory by nature. Stay away from red wine because the alcohol could raise my blood pressure or inhale two glasses a day and combat prostate cancer? Control my cholesterol by shunning beef or strengthen my immune system by waltzing into Ruth's Chris once a week and nodding when the waitress says, "The usual, Mr. Schwem?"
But something lead me to read, beginning to end, a recent study by
I recently turned 49 and, while I don't feel the need to star in a Cialis commercial, I occasionally struggle to remain awake through the late-night news. Now I know why. It was because I spent this past spring managing my 9-year-old daughter's softball team. I specifically remember one game when I stood near third base, frantically waving my arm in a circular motion and extolling our runner to sprint home. How was I to know that testosterone was oozing out of my body? Those dads in the bleachers who spent the whole game tapping away on their BlackBerrys no doubt left feeling more like men.
Then there was that snowy Sunday a few years ago when I went bowling with her Brownie troop. While other dads were home on the couch eating Doritos and watching the playoffs, I was tying little bowling shoes and searching the lanes for pink balls. When the facility closed for the evening, the staff likely squeegeed my testosterone off alley No. 7.
Or maybe I lost that all important maleness when I transported a bunch of girls to a weekend cheerleading tournament 75 miles from my house. Actually, that's not true; any man forced to sit through a cheerleading tournament ceases being a man on the spot. That includes you,
Luckily, there is a solution to every problem. Starting today, I plan to replenish that lost testosterone -- by becoming as uninvolved as possible.
From now on, when my daughter requests help with her science report, I will quickly wave my hand in the direction of the home PC and say, "Just Google it." When it comes time to sort her Girl Scout cookie order, I will give her a look that says, "You sold 'em, you bag 'em." So what if the kindly old lady down the street gets three boxes of Peanut Butter Patties instead of the Thin Mints she requested? As long as she doesn't have a serious peanut allergy, who cares?
Citing my plunging testosterone levels, I will contact my daughter's principal and renege on my promise to volunteer in the school's computer lab. (That should be an interesting phone call.) As an alternative, I will offer to teach fourth-graders the intricacies of
I will cede all car pool duties to my wife. Oh sure, she will blow a gasket upon realizing that she has to be in four places at once, but I will firmly remind her that my lack of mobility is doing wonders for my virility. End of conversation.
Just when she threatens divorce, I will whisk her off to a secluded
I hope I can remember their names.
- People Ought to Sign Work They Do
- It Takes Very Little Effort to Be a Man
- Target Shoppers of the World Unite
- The Dream of An Incipient Snob
- Congress Needs a Three-Martini Lunch
- Mark Zuckerberg Needs Some Kids
- The Massage is the Message
- They Don't Disagree and Never Fight or Borrow Money
- Anxiety in the Palm of my Hand
- Thankfully, Nevin Shapiro Never had Children
- Maintaining Cars and Bodies
- Saving the Planet -- or Not
- The Best-Kept Secrets are Left in Bars
- Who Says Autumn Anymore? It's Almost Fall
- We Need A Universal Language
- OMG! The Pope is Tweeting!
- Your Good Health ... for 50 Percent Off!
- This Really Takes the Cake ... Away
- Back to $chool
- The Etiquette of Blogging
- What, Me Worry?
- My Summer Vacation On the Lake
- Traveling? Include Me Out
- Remembering the Cars of Yesteryear
- We All Need to Carve Out Some Down Time
- The Perfect Blend
- How Hot Was It?
- Why Do We Take Pride in Ignorance?
- That's the Night the Lights When Out (in Lake County)
- A Doctor a Day Keeps the Apples Away
- Picture This
- I Have Good News . . . and Bad News
- It's Time to Think About Vacation
- No Bees, if You Please
- The Luck of a 20.5-Carat Engagement Ring
- My Interview With 'Dr. Death'
- The Tools of My Trade
- It's Time to Play the Feud (Happy 95th Birthday, Aunt Pearl)
- Why I Love My Job
- Some Philosophical Thoughts on Religion
- Sometimes, You Just Can't Be Cool
- Guess Who's Running For President in 2012?
- In Defense of Dentists
- Because You Are a Blabbermouth!
- Apple Store Like a Land Far, Far Away
- Hand Me The Bread
- Say Hello to Fred and Anne
- A Memorial Day to Remember
- Some People Just Know How to Fly and Some Don't
- What a Week for the World
- Hot-Button Issue
- Give Yourself the Gift of Paper
- Living Out the Good News of the Census
- What Not to Wear
(c) 2011 DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.