The U.S. Postal Service recently announced that it had lost $5.1 billion this past year.

It doesn't take a postmaster general to see why: More teenage hooligans are smashing mailboxes than ever before! Also, people are relying more and more on digital communications.

But all is not lost. Here are some suggestions for how the U.S. Postal Service can get out of the red:

-- Raise the price of stamps to $5.1 billion for one year. Get one extremely wealthy person in America to send just one letter.

-- Sell "The Definitive Map to the Stars' Homes" on street corners in Beverly Hills.

-- Drive efficiency by giving all postal workers e-mail addresses instead of stubbornly making them use U.S. mail to coordinate meetings, exchange files, etc.

-- Cancel mail on Saturdays. Also remove "sleet" from that poem about conditions mail carriers will work in.

-- Don't let people get away with that writing DON'T BEND on envelopes crap. (Note: This won't save money but may boost morale.)

-- Somehow convince Bed, Bath & Beyond to mail out more 20-percent-off coupons.

-- Compete with airlines by letting people put themselves in boxes with holes on top and then mail themselves to their destination.

-- Cancel this year's Postal Service holiday party featuring Led Zeppelin reunion.

-- Set up a meeting with AOL to discuss working together again.

-- Promise same-day delivery. Apologize later.

-- Replace rude woman behind counter at my local post office with rude robot.

-- Eliminate mail carriers. Drop off mail at one person's house on every block, let people pass mail down the street until everyone gets theirs.

-- Do a better job of getting the word out about Sweetest Day.

 

Twitter: @ihavenet

 

For More Andy Rooney Click Here

 

(c) 2011 DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.