How Hot Was It? - Michael Showalter

How Hot Was It?
Michael Showalter

I never thought I'd say this, but, "It's in the upper 80s today. It's sweater weather!"

Yes, it has come to that. After experiencing a scorching atmosphere for the past week that I could have in no uncertain terms baked cookies in, I can honestly say that today's forecast of "highs in the upper 80s" actually had me considering dressing in layers before leaving the house so as not to catch a cold.

Honestly, though, is having a cold in this heat even possible? Shouldn't a cold in the time of a heat wave be called a "hot"? I can just imagine my mom saying to me, "Don't forget to wear your cutoff shorts and tank tops, dear, otherwise you'll catch a terrible hot!"

And I'd whine back at her, "I know, Mom. I know!"

But, really, upper 80s?! It's practically arctic. If there's any downside to this sudden cold front, it would be that I'll have to take all my cookie-baking activities out of the backyard and into the oven where I usually do most of my cookie baking. Just think: If it were hot like this all the time, we'd see baking instructions on all packaging that said things like, "Take your casserole, put out on front stoop, and let sit for half an hour until outer crust is crispy and brown."

Even though I'm very happy that it's chilly again, it was nice to be able to know what life on the sun is like, if only for a few stifling and unbearably hot days. Not surprisingly, it turns out that life on the sun, if the past week is any indicator, is hot. Really, really hot. Like so hot that you break a sweat just wiping sweat off your brow. This, of course, is where we got the famous question: Which came first? The sweat on your brow, or the sweat on your brow created from wiping the sweat off your brow? It's a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and all in all, generally just really hot.

To add insult to injury, our government is stalemating our country into certain oblivion. These guys cannot agree on anything! Here's one thing we Americans can agree on, be ye Democrat, be ye Republican: It's really hot.

We can agree that we'd rather be drifting aimlessly about a swimming pool on a flotation device shaped like a turtle. Right? We can agree that we'd rather have a tall cool glass of lemonade in one hand, and in the other hand, also a tall cool glass of lemonade. Right?

So, if we can agree on that then why shouldn't we be able to agree on how to balance the budget and pay off all our trillions of dollars of debt and rebuild the economy?! It's so easy! If only our nation's congressmen were reading this column -- the budget crisis would be solved!

Oh, well. At least there's football.

Twitter: @ihavenet