Ever since World War II, I've been reading and writing headlines, but I look at my newspaper every day and don't understand more than half of them. Some of the headlines are written more to intrigue potential readers than to inform them. but still, we ought to know what they're talking about. Here are some recent examples from newspapers that are either puzzling or a mystery to me:
STIMULUS JOBS ON STATE'S BILL IN MISSISSIPPI
Does everyone else know what a "stimulus job" is?
I've had a lot of different jobs but I don't think I've ever had a stimulus one. If I had one and didn't know it, my employer should have told me. I'd have asked for more money.
ELDERS OF WALL STREET FAVOR TIGHT REIN
I'm glad. No one likes a loose rein. (The word "reign" with a g in it is easy to confuse with "rein." It is by me, anyway.)
MERGERS MAY INCREASE AS BIG ENERGY COMPANIES SEEK RESERVES
I wonder how the headline will read if mergers don't increase?
MISSTEPS WEIGH ON AGENDA FOR CLIMATE
Really? I'll be darned. What won't they weigh next.
OBAMA TO HELP PICK LOCATION OF TERROR TRIAL
"Help?" What do you mean by "help"? If President Obama says, "let's have it here," they may decide to have it somewhere else? I don't think so.
MORE MOMS ENTERING WORKFORCE, reads a
Another Post head says, KEEPING IT IN THE FAMILY: WRESTLERS' DYNASTY IS BORN
The Post doesn't say more kids will be left home without their mothers but they will be.
The second story said that
Didn't Frances get tired of being pregnant?
I often see stories in the newspaper about people I don't understand but I'm glad I'm not them. Here's a headline:
SECRET JOINT RAID CAPTURES
TALIBAN'S TOP COMMANDER
I love the name "Taliban" for an enemy, but I'm glad I'm not that commander. If it was cold, do you think they'd give him an extra blanket in his cell after they captured him?
CHINA BUILDS, INDIA FRETS, another headline reads.
So what else is new?
INSURER WARNED U.S. OF TOYOTAS
I'll bet the presidents of other car companies feel terrible about the bad luck
DISTRICT REPORTED 220 INSTANCES OF ABUSE BY TEACHERS
We'll never know but I'll bet at least half the kids had it coming to them. Not only that, I don't think what came from teachers was probably much. I went to school for about 16 years including college and I never saw a teacher hit a kid.
We abused the teachers when I was in school but they never struck back. We didn't have many bad teachers. This was during the Depression and I suppose they were glad to have work. Mr. Crowe threw erasers at kids who were talking but it was mostly for fun.
AFTER YEARS OF QUIET, EXPECTING A SURGE IN U.S. MEDICAL SCHOOLS
Well, I hope so. There are 308 million people in
ALSO from andy rooney:
My Super Super Bowl Weekend
There are a lot of things I like to do and a lot of good times of the year. For me, though, the day they play the Super Bowl is best. It's ridiculous to let a game get that big in your life, but I've let it happen.
My Friend Bill Mauldin
The U.S. Postal Service sent me a notice saying that it will be issuing a stamp honoring Bill Mauldin, the World War II cartoonist. It's the first time any friend of mine has been honored with a stamp by the Postal Service (known to me as 'the Post Office'). I wish they had issued the stamp while Bill was alive so he could have appreciated it. Bill died in 2003.
Strange Case for the Weather
We'd all like to be able to control the weather or, at the very least, to predict what the weather is going to be where we live.
So, It's 2010!
I don't know whether it's me or life, but the year 2010 is just around the corner and I was thinking how little I care. One year has gotten to feel just like the last one. We've made a big mistake making January 1 New Year's Day. It doesn't feel like anywhere near the first of the year for me. I'd like to a new New Year's Day ...
Shopping is for Presents And the Birds
The trouble is, we all tend to buy presents we like without much thought about what the person you're giving the present to would like. Sometimes the people you like best are hardest to get presents for.
My Mailbox Runneth Over
I would be happy to pay a modest amount if I could be assured of never again getting a catalog that I didn't ask for. My mailbox runneth over.
Thoughts on Chocolate and Cars
The image and price of things in general has a lot to do with our opinion of them. It seems wrong, but almost always the things that cost the most are considered to be the best
What Are Your Preferences
We all have favorites. I know the people who are my favorites. I have foods I like, clothes I prefer to wear, places I like to go to, television shows I watch and politicians I vote for. In every case, my preferences include the opposite -- people I hate, food I won't eat, television shows I skip and politicians I can't stand.
One Man's Trash / Treasure ...
We waste more in the United States than the people of most other countries even have. Driving through the streets of any major city on the day the trash collectors come -- or are supposed to come -- is an experience the citizens of a hundred less prosperous nations would find difficult to believe.
Wouldn't You Like to Be a Politician?
It's a good thing for all of us that there are people who want to be politicians because you couldn't pay most of us to take the job of mayor, governor or president of anything. Why are there people who want to do such difficult work? We're all glad they do, but why?
How Does Your State Rank
This column is sort of a cheat because I have a book called 'State Rankings 2009' that you probably don't have. I get to do an easy column once in a while, and this book has some fascinating numbers
The Newspaper Business Then and Now
Andy RooneyThe newspapers keep coming in my office. There's always today's paper before I've finished yesterday's and I get a lot of them. As you know, I'm an avid newspaper reader and I like all the little stories, so the paper takes me a long time to read.
How Does Your Brain Work
It may not matter to you, but I wish there was a better way for us to keep track of some of the numbers and information we gather throughout our lives. And then of course I'd like to be able to permanently forget some information. Sometimes I feel that we should be in more control of our brains.
(Write to Andy Rooney at Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or via email at email@example.com)
(c) 2009 Andy Rooney
About Andy Rooney
Andy Rooney born January 14th, 1919 is a writer, humorist, radio and television personality.
Rooney became most famous as a humorist and political commentator with his weekly broadcast on the CBS News Program "60 Minutes" since 1978.