When I pick up my newspapers every morning, I always gaze at the headlines first. I'm looking for the headlines I find interesting, as well as those that don't interest me. I'm always interested in any headlines about the television business. Those stories are always good to read. The headlines that don't interest me are usually those in the business section. They always seem confusing to me. Editors who write the business headlines and stories must be smarter than I am because, frankly, I often fail to understand what they're talking about.

For the last few days, I've been collecting examples of headlines I don't understand or that seem confusing. Here's part of my list:

"SHARES RISE AS OIL PRICES SLIP AND BANKS HINT AT HIGHER DIVIDENDS"

I don't know what that means. Everything slips on oil, but shares of what? And higher dividends for whom? Not for me, I'll bet. If banks are raising whatever they're talking about, you know it won't be good for anyone but the banks. And what's with "hint"? Did they say they were going to raise dividends not? Don't shilly-shally with words like "hint" in a headline.

"DISCORD GROWS ON THE POLITICS OF INTERVENTION"

I have no idea what "the politics of interventions" is, or are, or what it means. I know what discord it, but I'm not sure it could "grow" on something. Sounds like mold.

"FLIRTING WITH A REPEAT OF AN ECONOMIC REVERSAL RECOVERY"

"Flirt" is too unimportant a word to be used in referring to anything as important as an economic reversal.

"TALK DOESN'T PAY SO PSYCHIATRY TURNS INSTEAD TO DRUG THERAPY"

I don't know whether they mean "talk doesn't pay" the psychiatrist or the patient, although I don't think many psychiatrists are in trouble with money. In trouble, maybe. With money? No.

"BIKE RIDERS FACE FINES IN NEW YORK"

My bicycle-riding days are over, but if I rode a bike, I wouldn't ride it in New York City whether there are fines or not. If I had to choose a way to get killed, it wouldn't be on a bike. There are too many cars on the streets of New York. Even with the bike lanes on many streets, you still hear about people on bikes getting hit and killed while riding to work.

"RAID BY FBI WAS FATAL HIT TO HEDGE FUND"

To begin with, I don't know what a hedge fund is, and I doubt very much if I'd buy into one if I knew where to look. What do hedges have to do with money, anyway?

"financial fraud case pits arbitration against class actions"

I know what class actions are, since I've attended classes. But what does arbitration have to do with school? Apparently, the subject of this story has a beef with a brokerage firm but beyond that, I'm lost.

"aarp sues u.s. over effects of reverse mortgages"

The Department of Housing and Urban Development is in hot water about these mortgages. I'm not sure how a reverse mortgage works. I paid cash for my New York apartment so I don't have a mortgage to reverse, even if I wanted to.

 

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(Write to Andy Rooney at Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or via email at aarooney5@yahoo.com)

(c) 2010 Andy Rooney

About Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney born January 14th, 1919 is a writer, humorist, radio and television personality.

Rooney became most famous as a humorist and political commentator with his weekly broadcast on the CBS News Program "60 Minutes" since 1978.