It's time to brush up on our manners. Yes, indeedy, "manners." What an old-fashioned concept, no?

A reader e-mailed me about her consternation with the lack of response to invitations. These days, people seem to think of RSVPs not as mandatory, but optional.

"We have come close to canceling programs only to find out at the last minute that people are coming to the event," she writes. "What's happened to people making decisions about attending a particular event?"

Maybe, she muses, people are too busy or afraid to commit. To which my mother would've said: It takes the same amount of energy to be polite as to be rude.

This reader's electronic missive -- to which I promptly responded, by the way, (pat, pat on the back) -- struck a chord. A few weeks ago, my baby sister tried to keep tabs on invitees to her wedding. Some guests hadn't bothered to mail back their responses and she was forced to chase them down even as she planned for the festivities.

I wish I could say these kind of incidents are rare in my well-mannered family. But they aren't, and this bothers me to no end.

By default, I host most of our holiday gatherings. This usually means a minimum of 30 people and as many as 50, when you count in-laws and significant others. Getting my relatives to RSVP with the number of guests and a dish they're bringing is like cajoling my dad, a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, to try the Brussels sprouts.

My e-mails are ignored, phone messages unanswered. This past Thanksgiving, frustrated beyond words, I confronted my nephew. "Of course I'm coming," he replied. "Don't you know that?" Well, yes, but what about the girlfriend? Side dish or appetizer?

When I mentioned this kind of social faux pas to a friend, she grumbled about her own pet peeve: people who do RSVP, particularly to a catered event where the host is charged by the plate, but then don't show up. To make matters worse, they never phone to apologize. It happened at her daughter's wedding.

Sloppy party etiquette is hardly the only problem in a world where civility is going the way of land lines. Need I mention thank you notes that are never sent? Cutting in line? Texting at the dinner table? Skipping out on your portion of the dinner check?

Some blame the younger generation, but frankly, they've been made the scapegoats of a situation that has been deteriorating for some time. No wonder alert entrepreneurs have discovered a profitable business in teaching etiquette to business people. Lessons we once learned at our parents' lap are now weekend seminars.

Truth is, we were taught basic social graces in kindergarten. The Golden Rule -- remember that? -- reinforced the need for politeness. But then little by little we began to excuse the coarse and the crude. In fact, it became fashionable to be uncouth. So what if we flicked off the driver who cut us off? One loutish deed deserved another.

After a while, though, so much churlishness can wear a person down. What to do? Here's a start: RSVP to that bar mitzvah party. Pen your birthday thank-you cards. Wait your turn at the checkout line. And practice being gracious. Practice in front of the mirror. Practice with your spouse, your family and friends. Practice with strangers.

All that practice will eventually become habit and, if we're lucky, the launch of a new trend.

5 Tips for Returning Holiday Gifts
Rebecca Kern

Shoppers are in luck, as most retailers' return, refund, and exchange policies tend to be more lenient right after Christmas. Just in case, however, here are some hassle-free tips on how to go about returning your unloved holiday gifts

 

Ana Veciana-Suarez is a family columnist for The Miami Herald. Write to her at The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132, or send e-mail to aveciana(at)herald.com.

(c) 2009, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.