I believe in miracles, in sobering transformations and life-changing experiences. But maybe I've been reading too much fiction.

Consider my latest encounter with reality: A few months ago I sent off an 18-year-old who needed some -- how can I best put this? -- real world experience. Now he has returned, for the holidays, a 19-year-old with "college dorm" experience. Which is to say he has acquired some interesting habits -- gratitude, helpfulness and maturity not necessarily among them.

How do I know this? Let me give you a recent example, one I suspect will sound familiar to parents of college-age children who have returned to their old bedrooms and old ways.

"It's Sunday night, Benno," I said. "Take out the trash, will you?"

"That's not my chore anymore," he whined. "It's Nick's now."

"Not when you're home."

A scowl. A smirk. A look of genuine shock.

"That's not fair."

Which, of course, elicited my favorite bon mot for such occasions: "Life, Benno, is not fair."

We love having our children home, don't we? We love the boisterous chaos they bring, the reconnection with their childhood friends, the baking and cooking of favorite foods that even the best meal plan can't duplicate. But ... but ...

How can they sleep away the entire morning?

Do they expect to be served meals at all hours of the day?

Do they still think I'm their maid?

And, really, shouldn't they be spending more time with us instead of their crew?

Experience with my older children has taught me that compromise and a few firm rules are the best approach to the transition from no-curfew, let-it-all-hang-out, coed college living to the old strictures of home. In other words, I don't expect them to hang around every night, but I do demand they call if they're not going to be home for dinner.

Still, it's a tricky transition, exacerbated by the length of stay. At Thanksgiving, it seemed they were in and out in a flash. But Christmas break lasts weeks.

In better economic times, my older kids were able to land seasonal jobs that imposed a modicum of structure on their days. This year, the only important events on my college student's holiday calendar are the impromptu parties friends throw practically every night. (I am amazed at how quickly they can organize themselves when they want something.)

"What do you do all day while I'm at work?" a friend demanded of her college-freshman daughter.

I know what she does: sleep, eat, text, talk on the phone, watch reruns. I have heard that some returning young adults start dinner and even dust and vacuum, but I am not personally acquainted with any.

I've given my son and his younger brother a holiday project: clean out their closets and sort through the drawers. Simple and straightforward, right? But it seems that young men who can master dense mathematical theories are flummoxed by the idea of separating clothing items into piles.

Not all is lost, though. A semester of college has seasoned my son in some ways. Not only has he graduated from baking frozen pizza to cooking pasta for a snack but has learned when dress shoes, not sneakers, are required. In a pinch, he can also iron.

I think, I hope, that means he's headed in the right direction.

Parents Influence Kids' Relationship With Food
Lilian Presti

In today's world of fast and convenient food, many people have disordered eating. The evidence of obesity, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, and an obsession with dieting is proof we aren't healthy eaters. The problem is many of the people with unhealthy relationships to food are parents, and that makes them role models for their children.

Parenthood is A Real Scream
Ana Veciana-Suarez

OK, I'll fess up. I have screamed at my kids. I have screamed out of frustration. I have screamed because they should know better. I have screamed when I'm rushed, overwhelmed, anxious, or because I've just plain had it with their boorish behavior.

Help Your Kids Learn Better
Lilian Presti

In a country where nearly three million students are receiving special education services for a learning disability, many parents are hungry for ways to support their children's learning. The problem many children face is they've lost their zest for learning. Here's a few key steps to reinforce learning

Doesn't Take An Einstein to Raise Kids
Ana Veciana-Suarez

As a mother, I would do almost anything to give my children a leg up in life. This is true, I think, for most conscientious parents. Call it biological imperative, if you will. This is why the 'educational' label is so ubiquitous, and learning colors, figuring out shapes and identifying letters has turned into Big Business

Game On: Are Video Games Harmful
Harvard Health Letter

Getting Kids to Eat Their Vegetables
Lilian Presti

We've all heard of the kid who won't eat anything except chicken fingers and hot dogs -- and maybe you recognize this child well because he or she is yours. Although most children aren't this extreme, many are still not eating as much healthy foods as their parents would like

Taking the Kids To San Francisco's California Academy of Sciences
Eileen Ogintz

We're at the California Academy of Sciences in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park, which in the year since it has re-opened has emerged as the city's top cultural tourist attraction, drawing more visitors than Alcatraz

Sometimes Good Enough is Just Right
Ana Veciana-Suarez

I've often joked that children are the most stressful factor in a marriage, especially for those of us who juggle work and family. Rushed, conflicted and usually overwhelmed, mothers who toil outside the home feel there aren't enough hours in the day to keep up with parenting obligations, job duties and household chores. Life turns into a never-ending to-do list, a blaring alarm that's can't be quieted

 

Ana Veciana-Suarez is a family columnist for The Miami Herald. Write to her at The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132, or send e-mail to aveciana(at)herald.com.

(c) 2009, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.